Dear Friends,

Those of you who have read my other post will know that my girlfriend died unexpectedly last October 27 while recovering from spinal surgery

Since no one in her family lived closer than four hundred miles away, it has fallen to me to prepare her apartment for cleaning and relisting. It is a chore that I was glad to undertake since it made me feel that I was still being useful to her and that I was doing what she would want me to do.

Yesterday the process finally came to an end, in terms of my ferreting through her belongings. It was tough. I always felt like a ghoul and a voyeur but I didn't want curious salvors, (or her family), seeing personal things that were no one else's business. A thrift store co-operative collection van came and took away all her clothing and much of her furniture. Now, all that remains is to be on hand to open the apartment door for other groups, (an adult day-care center, the library), to take away things in which they had expressed interest.

Her brother came up to SF from Orange County to assist in the process and he was a gem. Just the blend of practicality and sentiment that the moment needed. I was so glad when he gave expression to the embarrassment that he felt in disposing wholesalely of items of great value for virtually nothing. Furthermore, items in which my girlfriend took great pride in possessing. But there was no choice. Every time we got sidetracked into looking through something of hers, we lost time. He is back in Orange County today and the flat must be cleaned and ready for reoccupancy by January 1. Moreover, due to Christmas, December really ends on December 21. It was reassuring to know that someone else who loved her was feeling the same pangs of guilt that I was myself in rushing to clear out the evidence of a life.

My girlfriend was deeply ashamed by her failure in her chosen profession. But for her congenital spinal fragility, her talent in that field would undoubtedly have made her a success. But I doubt that her bipolarity would ever have allowed her to be happy in it. Especially since she was endowed with such startling empathy. I think that the cumulative effect of the tragedies that she would have witnessed would have had an profoundly negative effect on her psyche.

On the other hand, had she had some early direction towards the healing professions, she would not only have been a great success but also, I believe, extremely happy due to her talent of empathetically tuning into troubled peoples' needs.

Ah, well. Woulda. Shoulda. Coulda. I could just as easily be completely wrong.

I was extremely lucky to have found her. All the verbiage above is just more of the grieving process in action. I am better today than I was in the week after her death, and I will be better still two weeks from now. That's just the way it works.

I must say, however, that for a person with my world view, (I would normally use weltanschauung here, but, in deference to my girlfriend's opinion that my using it it just made readers think that I was a snotty asshole, I am substituting world view), the vaporization of the physical evidence of her existence is troubling.

Thanks again for all you solicitude. It made it easier. Compassionate comments by sensitive people are the best thing for grief, (beside benzodiazepines).

Fondly,