Ok, got a response...


As a mother I can appreciate how upsetting it is to think that your
child was upset and not comforted. I appreciate your concerns and I'm
not surprised that Vince told you about his day in the way that he did.
Vince was in art class at the beginning of the day and early in the
class, I saw Mrs. XXX standing outside the art room. I asked what was
wrong and she said the Vince was upset and acting depressed and she
couldn't get him out of the room. I got him out of the art room by just
motioning for him to come and told him that I was sorry he was sad - I
gave him a great deal of empathy, but suggested that crying in art class
was disturbing to the other students and that when we are in 5th grade,
we cry in a more private place. - I did NOT say 5th graders do not cry
- I said they should not cry in art class when other students are trying
to work, but I understand that Vince may have missed that message. I
do care about Vince - and wanted his dignity to be preserved as well as
to have him know that he is cared for. Mrs. XXX was present when I said
these things. Vince continued about how he wants to put his head on
Mrs. XXX lap and that she was mean. I took Vince down to our room, I
listened and empathized with him for a while and then he sat and read
some books before we worked. He was perfectly calm and happy. I took
over for Mrs. XXX for a while to see how he would react to another adult.
And he did just fine - no crying, no depression. We even did some work.
He was fine until Mrs. XXX returned and then his discussion about sadness
resumed. I had other students to work with, but I observed Vince
working with another SEA, Mrs. ZZZZ without any depression/tears.

By the afternoon, it became clear to us that Vince was able to refocus
his sadness. I'm not saying it was intentional - I just do know that he
was able to refocus. We were working alone in the room and Vince was
resisting doing work. I give him one row (about 7 problems) of simple
addition to do. He began speaking about my sadness- asking about my
family members who died - I asked him to finish the math and offered him
a time to talk after his work was done which would have taken about a
minute or two. He called me "an idiot" among other things. His
engine was running a bit high and I asked him to go under the table with
his pillows - a comforting place for him - or to put his head down -
another calming action for him. He told me he was going to tell you
that I didn't care, etc and that I would be in big trouble with you. He
said you would "take me out". I ignored all this and suggested again
that he go under the table or put his head down. After a few minutes of
Vince continuing to vent anger at me, he finally went under the table
with his pillows. After about 7 minutes he was calm. After he
apolgized, we talked about his sadness for about 7 minutes. He ended
the discussion - I didn't. I told him I was sorry if he felt that he
wasn't being heard - we shook hands and went back to work. He was just
fine and continued to be fine through the end of the day.

Regarding the hugging: Vince is having some difficulties learning about
appropriate touching. He likes to stroke Mrs. XXX hair, her arm, etc.
We are trying to teach Vince about boundaries and appropriateness so
that he will be continue to be an appropriate, respectful male. I do
not recall him asking me for a hug so I can't speak to that issue, but
I did support Vince's sadness in other ways. I gave Vince attention,
sympathy, empathy and caring. I gave him a safe, private place to voice
his feelings. I also helped him set boundaries and to learn about
appropriateness in public settings. He was emotionally supported during
his difficulties. The entire team of people that work with Vince care
about him and show him that daily. However, we must also teach Vince
self-calming strategies which is what I was trying to do when I asked
him to go under the table with his pillows or to put his head down.

I'm glad you wanted clarification on this. I agree that no one should
walk away feeling that they are not cared about, but I also believe that
we did all we could to let Vince know that we do care. Caring is letting
a child know he/she is important to you and it is also helping a child
set boundaries. He did tell me he was going to tell you all about how
awful I am so you could harm me, but then he apologized and said that it
was great to be able to talk to me.

And to further clarify, the pillows and going under the table are
techniques that were used last year. This technique had very positive
results last year as did putting his head down. It is not a punishment,
but rather an opportunity for Vince to regain self-control and dignity.


I hope this answers your questions and concerns. I do not for a minute
question Vincent's sincerity and honesty - I think that when his engine
is running high, his perceptions are not always accurate as they are
charged with emotions. If there is anything you know of that is making
him sad (it doesn't seem to be school based - it seems to be focused on
death), please let us know so together we can help him deal with his
feelings. I hope we continue to earn your support for our work with
Vincent and that we can work together in his behalf.