Hi Mari and Donna,

Mari, I have been looking at pictures and letters that my husband wrote to me trying to get me back to him. It's tearing me apart but then the more I think about it it had to be in God's plan for me not to know about my husband terminal cancer. He found out about the time that my neighbor Doug was in the hospital dying from what I hear. I would have run to my husband and took care of him had I know and it would have been too much on me. My husband had his mom to care for him in the end but Doug had no one but me. God put me where I was needed the most. Had I taken care of both when one was in the hospital dying and the other one getting ready to die I would have snapped big time. This way I had time to heal a little from Doug's death before finding out about my husband. It never ocurred for me to go to my husband's funeral although I would have liked to but it would have caused too much trouble. My husband's family hated me and was the biggest reason for the fights between my husband and I. I believe this was done on my in-law's own intentions to cause trouble between my husband and I so that our marriage would fail. It was true my husband had a choice and chose the wrong way but it was too late before he realized it.

Donna, what also hurts me is that my brother's have not even called since finding out about my ex-husband's death to offer their condolences. I called my cousin Johnny in town tonight and asked him if he's talked to my brother who lives out of state. My cousin Johnny said he called my brother at my brother's job to find out if he knew my husband died. But yet Johnny never picked up the phone to call me and ask me if I was alright.

Mari, I want to hear about my husband's life in the past year and that I feel will give me some closure. I want to hear from someone if he hated me like I thought I hated him. It's funny how when they die all the love for them comes back.

befuddled2