I meant to mention above, that I was always doing the same thing with my mother and she died in April this year - the first Christmas without her with us. Last year just before Christmas she wasn't well and I brought her to stay with me. It was terrible as I couldn't leave her alone for any length of time and she wasn't rational as she hadn't been eating - and telling stories about that - whenever I saw her and spoke to her she would tell otherwise and all would appear to be otherwise. In the end the Doctor put her put in hospital and told me in no uncertain terms that I was not capable of looking after her - so in my screwed up way of thinking I thought I had failed my mother - groan! The Doctor even wrote a note and told me to put it on my fridge stating that I couldn't look after her. She did get better, went home and managed - (what a difference food makes to our reasoning) until she fell in April this year fracturing her pelvis and died suddenly. My mother in honesty had been amazing as (another story) my father died when he was 44 and I was 13. I don't think I was a alot of joy to be around for a few years.

I admit that when my mother complained about not being able to do things I would lose my temper on my bad days and say what do you think it is like not being able to do those things when you are only 45 , 46 what ever - she was in her 80s for goodness sake - you can't expect to be able to do things in your 80s. Then I woudl say at least you can stay awake all day! I don't know if she understood that I didn't mean to be so horrid or not and I also felt guilty that I couldn't do the things that I would have liked to have done and should have been doing to help her. All I knew was that I should have been able to help her - that is the way it is meant to be.

Unfortunately we were the same personality type - that was be perfect until you die basically. You know what - I feel better for having told this. I now understand that I was tired, I did have terrible head aches - and if I can understand why you reacted your way = why can't I be nice to myself and accept that I did my best under the circumstances???? And so have you - and you are doing your best under the circumstances. Good grief I hope I make sense.

Lynlee