i just reread this and melted into tears... the part about telling someone.

i couldn't talk about it to my pdoc - he would block me, change subject, lighten it up. (and fyi it wasn't my imagination; later he owned up to it). but pdoc is a whole other thread or two when i have the energy to post about it coz i need you guys' help there.

i couldn't talk to my parents because, well i tried, a few times... it just upsets them, or they would go full denial - stop talking that nonsense, or that word just doesn't enter my vocabulary.

i have no privacy from them where i could call a hotline.

when i feel suicidal i usually hold up in bed like in fetal position and rock. sometimes if more energy, face into pillow and scream. then the times when i am in mixed/dysphoric states - more hysterical, faster-thinking, more impulsive, more tempted, have more intrusive thoughts... impossible to talk to, an emotional blender.

All this notwithstanding, i'm still here and everyone please rest assured right now, these are my reflections on my own experiences, spurred by the article. i am not feeling suicidal.

i'd like to re-thank Bizi for posting this. The beginning is most powerful to me:

Suicidal thoughts are temporary. Suicide is permanent.

~ waves ~