Well, Vince now understands what she actually said, the teacher understands how he perceived her words and apologized to him and seemed to want him to cry away from the other kids so he'd retain his dignity. But, she and I still have to talk. I'm totally gutted and how far he is behind academically, and see no reason for it that I'm aware of. He can learn this stuff!

A bigger problem I see, is he just has this "I don't have to listen to you" attitude. The other night, after his dad got smacked by a flying rake (Vince threw way up high into the air to watch it spin) I tried to explain for the 800 zillionth time, why throwing can be dangerous. Like, I know he knows so much of what he does, is not ok to do...but does it anyway. I'm always questioning my parenting, his autism, what's impulsivity that can't be controlled and what's autism and what's just a boy who don't want to listen.

So, I said to him, "Ya know Vince, sometimes I just get the feeling that you're thinking '***** you mom and ***** you dad, I'm going to do what I want and I don't care what you want" and without hesitation he said, "well yeah, that's true".

So you mean to tell me all this patience and explaining that exhaust me to tears have been for a child that already GOT IT. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! He's lucky he had a meeting this morning, or I might have took HIM out. Oh, and as for his comment to the teacher about me 'taking her out', he thought that meant getting fired, that I'd get her fired.

So, I am now officially in my 'what have I created' phase of parenting. To be honest I'm scared to death of him walking around with a huge chip on his shoulder, like I had growing up, feeling like everyone had a friend but me, everyone had love but me, etc etc...and in my eyes it was true - actually it was true. And I really had no accoutablility...that is I had accountablility for the teeny things I beat myself up over, but not really for the big things. I always found reasons why I 'had to' do this or that. I dunno. I just felt like the whole world was against me, and not occasionally, it was a way of life for me and I have always tried to explain and explain and explain till I'm blue in the face, cause I fear he will feel the PAIN of his autism, know what I mean? I mean basically I'm doing what all parents do, trying to not do the stuff my ma did that was harmful, and give him a good childhood.

But, am I doing that? Am I giving him less by giving him so much 'fairness', would I be giving him more by having HIM give to others and receive less, or would that just turn him into a bitter resentful young adult like I'd felt. It is quite a trauma growing up for everyone, growing up on the spectrum with no dx and no help....able to memorize enough to stay off the shrink radar (well till I got institutionalized) might have been worse that if I were less functional so would have gotten help. Although, what help? They really don't even have a whole lot now.

Anyhow, just rambling. Trying to sort out probably the very same things we all do. Am I creating a monster or someone with empathy towards others? Is his continual doing as he pleases an autistic thing, or is he just a spoiled brat and autistic too?

He needs to shut up and assume his 'rank' as a child, and learn while he is at school. He seems unable, to 'allow' adults to be adults and himself to be the child.

I can't wait till the RDI consultant comes. I hope she doesn't decide not to. Should be this weekend or next.

I'm officially feeling poopy.
MiliSh!t