1. Give myself permission to lose control (in non-destructive ways).

2. Spend my time building on my strengths rather than patching up my weaknesses.

3. Ask myself every day “What do I need?” and then take a step to meet that need.

4. Make myself right instead of wrong.

5. Honor my sadness and know that living with great vibrancy is the greatest tribute to those we love.

6. Slow down.

7. Say "NO" to myself on occasion and to others on many more occasions.

8. And the biggie - don't internalize my feelings, reach out, listen and learn. I tend to retreat and don't mean to but it's part of the cycle, a vicious cycle.

I want so so hard to make 2008 better and get some normalcy back in my life. I've been away again and had 2 more treatments, my decision. I couldn't control it and I knew it. I don't want to live this way anymore and I'm determined to fight the beast with everything I have. And that elephant in the corner blaring his trumpet is really wearing me thin. I want to smile, really smile, not a forced smile. I want to laugh again and enjoy life to it's fullest. It's there for me, waiting for me but just seems out of my reach.

But as Alffe told me, I'm not supposed to control things. God does that. I do feel His arms wrapped around me and that gives me comfort but I wish it was my mom's too and that sadness I can't take away. I can't explain in words how much I miss her, how I miss the smells in the kitchen during the holidays, her warmth, her smile, her touch, her hug.

When that balls hits midnight tonight I'm not sure how I'm going to feel since my life has no direction right now. That is if I make it till midnight. Still coughing and hacking with this cold. But it's in His hands and I know He's going to do what's best for me and I place all my trust in Him.

Thanks for the nudge Alffe *grin