Ada I hope this works for you this time. I know how hard things are for you at the moment. I never wore that darn magnet on my wrist for fear of that. There should be a better way with all the technology they have today.

I think I'm going to have mine turned back on once I get over this cold. I guess you can tell by the messages I left today I'm pretty stuffed up still. I just can't shake this one off. My pdoc said I'm really run down and emotionally exhausted so my immune system is a little whacked out. She's insisting too I give it another try. I just hate all the side effects from it and if it's not working why go through it? There's something else she was hoping to get me into a trial last year but they wouldn't take me because I'm BP. My memory is failing again so all I can remember is transcranial or something. And it hasn't been approved by the FDA yet but people are having luck with this treating TRD.

Thank goodness I have a pdoc I can call anytime. We spent almost 2 hours on the phone at 3AM because I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about what I said about letting go of my grief and it was eating at me. Like I said, I don't want to let go, I want my memories of my mom to remain with me forever and ever.

She said something that made a lot of sense, which I wrote down as soon as I got off the phone. Friends and family leave memories not to forget about them. It is the opposite of feeling in love, it aches and you cannot even 'hold' it. It is there but hiding. There is no drug in the world to make the pain go away. I need to find the strength inside me. Let the pain take hold of me for a while, then gently take care of myself.

Sounds easy. So today in honor of my mom's memory I tried to recreate what we'd be doing on NY day. She always said we couldn't eat anything that "scratched" because it would be a year of bad luck. I have never figured this one out but we always had loin of pork and sauerkraut. I didn't have any loin of pork so I made hot dogs and sauerkraut. The smell is all over my house and it's one memory that I'm enjoying today. Thanks for that memory mom.