Amanda,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with all of us. I doubt there's anything I can do to make any of it better for you. But what I can do is say, I have been there - I have been there several times. A lot of us have.

I don't know if you've made it to the other 'there' yet, but there's another place we all frequent that many people call denial. I randomly go through phases where I forget or block out the details of my last episodes and question my own sanity. I wonder if I am being too observant, too aware of my body that I am paranoid and over-analyzing everything it does. Heck, I have medical proof something is wrong and I will still question myself. Was it in my head?

I'm fortunate enough that I am yet to find a doctor who accuses me of being quote/unquote crazy. Probably because I beat them to the punch and ask if I am. I think my memory is so unforgiving I forget half of my episodes and end up wondering if I've misplaced my marbles along the way.

I was reading last night something that touched home (I'm a huge fan of Augusten Burroughs). He had overheard a conversation two women were having and one mentioned palpitations. From that point on, he said he was fully aware of his heart beat whereas before, he never noticed it. So that started a mild obsession which turned into him essentially thinking he had a 'crappy' heart.

Having said that, I know I over-educate myself on things and I try my best to be aware of my body but not overly aware that I let it ruin my life. While sometimes I view myself as my worst enemy; I have to just let it go sometimes and try to live. I've had days where I was horrified to go outside because even feeling a little woozy had me convinced I'd have a public episode and be too ashamed to visit wherever it happened again.

I have days I hate myself, I hate my brain, I hate my body, I say naughty things to God, and a lot more. I get so angry because although I have supportive people in my life, they just don't "GET IT" - I want them to educate themselves but they only take in half of what I say.

At the end of the day and my pity party, I realize I am alive. And the time I spent griping someone else was dying of a more serious condition. I take my time here for granted a lot of the time, but I try to remind myself I am very lucky that I can walk, I can talk (and complain) and do things many are not fortunate enough to be able to do.

It's not me giving up or giving in, but I guess making a compromise with my brain. I will adapt the best I can every time my brain changes, but I won't ever let it take away my life. Epilepsy isn't my only condition and in the past year I found more unpleasant things in my life, but along the way - I found more people worse off than me and I felt selfish for being so angry when I could be crippled, or blind, or unable to speak, or hear and so on. While I have days of being non functional, I can usually get up the next day and be OK where I have friends who will forever be crippled because their disease or illness does not give them an 'off day'.

I feel my (our, actually) bitterness is justified, we don't have to embrace this thing. We can adapt to what it decides to change and hope it doesn't have much of a profound impact on our lives or try or best to not allow it to.

I had a rough day today as I want to go back to college. I think my being 30 years old it's a young age still. But I will face the reality that I have suffered brain damage and will then recall how painful it was for me to literally brainwash myself before to get good grades. I'm worse now, to boot. I am trying to think of HOW I will force information into my brain. I'm afraid of speaking in public because I have problems word gathering now and I am frequently repetitive. But I will do it, I am sure I will. Now that I'm done bi***ing for the day, I am feeling quite positive.

Thanks for the 'push' to get that off my chest. I feel much better now!! I hope you do, too.