A very true story from earlier this week, and very late last year....

The past few days, I have attempted several times (and with no success at all) to write something relatively reasonable about my Monday 12/31 adventures at the "pain management" clinic. I was really upset when I left but at last I am at ease with it all....

Those of you who need pain meds to survive, I understand your situation completely. Please don't take my comments as meant to apply to every single person in the world, they are not.

What a waste of time it was. First I get "interviewed" by a PAC that I was, by his glaringly obvious ignorance and lack of neurological knowledge and training , forced to inform that he was absolutely unable to relate to/with me on any neurological or pharmeceutical issue or disscussion and that he needs to go and get a real doctor to speak with me.

So this doctor comes in......
I am unwilling to any longer and never again willing to take anything on a daily and perpetual basis? That's right.......
I am unwilling to continue using a medication if I decide that the cognizance limiting and intoxicating efects of a medication are uncomforting/unpleasant to me? That's right................
I am unwilling to submit to any further or repeated currently considered "standard" neurological testing? That's right...............
I am unwilling to use and will refuse any implants, devices, or "invasive" proceedures nor will there be any shuffling of to new doctors for any consultations or anything else on the appropriatness of such? That's right...............
I am unwilling to take any medications at all except for when and only when I get one of the worst of the headaches, the super massive, stop and puke and maybe even pass right out terrifyingly painful, and totally debilitating headaches. That's right..................

him: "Well, if you aren't willing to do any of those things at or on our recommendation, then we have nothing here for you......."
me: "I thought that what you do here is help people manage pain and help them return to normalcy when they experience high levels of unbearable pain"
him: "We don't do intermittent pain management here, no do we provide relief therapies or medications for on-demand needs"
me: " So in other words, if I am unwilling to shut up, ask no questions, and just blindly submit to your rather unqualified staffs recommendations, then you are unwilling to work with me towards resolving my personal pain management issues?"
him: " That is correct. We expect that all of our clients submit to and follow through with all of our recommendations if they expect continued assistance and treatment"
me: " It would seem to me then that you're not running a "pain management" service/clinic, rather what you really have here is a pharmaceutical dispensary for people who want regular access to whatever mind numbing anelgesics you can provide them. And judjing by how many apparently repeat customers walk in and out of here, being little more than a legal pill pusher is a rather lucrative business for you and your partners"
him: " There is no purpose in carrying this on any further. We have nothing here to offer you, and there is no need to schedule any further appointments with us"

At which point he and his pitifully lacking and ill informed PAC just walked right off and left me just sitting there.

Oh, yeah.....I forgot to mention that the doctor in question seemed much more interested in my totally quitting a 240mg a day morphine habit alone and at home and in 10 days.

"You really just decided to quit taking 240mg morphine a day and just stopped?"
"Yes I did"
"I find that hard to believe"
"Feel free to run a test, at your expense of course"
"People just don't wake up one day and decide that they don't want to take
morphine anymore"
"I did, and I won't"
"And how are you doing with that?"
"I am fine and I am over it"
"How often do you find yourself suddenly wanting a dose?"
"Never"
"I find that hard to believe"
"Believe this: I am not some pitiful POS who has neither the stamina nor self control to manage his own life and I take great offense to your automatically associating me the the roomful of legal drug addicts you have waiting in line out front"
"And you think that you're better off in some way not taking the morhine than taking it?"
"I really don't think it's any of your business or concern what I think, The ONLY thing that matters to me is what I think. What you think about such things is of no concern at all to me. Are you here to help people or are you just here to authorize scripts and get paid"


Anyway... so it goes.....
Apparently, there is not a physician anywhere within a hundred miles of here who seems to think that my wanting help with these headaches ONLY WHEN I DECIDE I NEED IT is ok, let alone one willing to help me deal with them......


I told my psychologist (Please, don't tell me to see an MD/Psychiatrist...been there done that, "you need to take.....") that I know how to deal with the headaches but it ain't very legal..
"How is that?" she asked
"I'm gonna go to NYC, or Atlanta, or DC or Miami or Chicago and get me a big bag of heroin and a nice glass syringe set. When I get a headache I can no longer handle, then at last I'll have the relief on demand that I am seeking."
"Heroin kills people you know"
"Only if they're stupid and take too much. What's the problem, if I don't get some kind of help relieving these things one of these days I am going to end up dead anyway."

30 something kinds of drugs and nothing but large doses of opiates and semi-synthetic opiate derivitives offer me any relief. And in spite of almost 6 years and NEVER having even once called or gone back to a physician between scheduled appointments begging for new or more pain meds, never having displayed any addictive tendancies at all, never having any drug related issues at all, except not wanting to take highly addictive and massively mind numbing substances every day.....................And all I can qualify for is: ZERO help!!!!

I am really tired of all this................Not to worry though, I have no intention of ever doing anything harmful to myself. I have much too much effort, too much blood sweat and tears and pain tied up in getting to where I am today to give up now on this still wondreful thing called life

Have a very nice day!