still nothing from the cardiac pathologist - and he was at the therapeutic level of clozapine - .89 (1.0 is toxic)

I still struggle with guilt - if I had taken him to the er then he might have lived. He didn't want to go to the er, but I could have called 911 while he was sleepwalking and coughing/wheezing - but that felt wrong too because I wanted to have him be choosing his life. I did not think he would die that night. But it seemed serious and I was caught between what to do and what not to do. I had also taken my meds which included trazadone and that made me fuzzy. And I was so tired and confused.

But he was with me and I take the blame. Although something had been happening for several days and he had kept refusing to go to the hospital.

But if I had been sharper........... (then never mind calling his doctor and describing the symptoms and her making light of them). But that was a few days before he got sicker. I was going to take him the next day. Only I didn't get to.

Looking back he looked sick and I should have talked him into it. He was not hard to talk to

But he had run off to Boston for a few days and I had been so scared so I though he will be nice to me and then do something.

I think this is such torture. the guilt and then the loss the loneliness the missing the unfairness to him to his life he could be leading.

so hard