Getting answers is very important to grief.

This situation for you really needs some answers. Often in medical disasters, there are several, or many circumstances that come together, to lead to
a death or injury. When this happens, the "blame" is really complex, and hard to pin point. (sometimes there is no "blame" that can be appointed).

I think you will find with time, that you recall all the positive and constructive things you provided for Juan. Those should not be forgotten, during the acute phase of this grief.

When I was young, my family situation was a mess. I won't go into it now, but to say, that I could not help my mother. But I make up for it now, by extending myself to others, that I have learned how to help. So sometimes the timing is not quite right, but that is not to say, you cannot become a support for someone else when they need it in the future.

I see you using your strengths well, so far.