Weeeeeeell, I lost it today.

I started balling, told him I guessed I failed as his mother, and he needs to have a mom that knows how to get him to follow rules or he'll wind up in jail. Maybe he needs a school he can live at, that won't care how he feels or put up with any of his *****. He chooses not to follow rules, and I seem unable to get him to decide to follow them. After thinking and rethinking his admission, that when he breaks rules it's cause he's thinking "***** you mom, I don't have to do what you want, I'm gonna do what I want" I'm numb. Over a period of 3 hours, I've consumed one and a half beers, so aparantly can't even get drunk right. I've felt so strong and positive with the introduction to RDI, but RDI won't change the parent I am I guess...and I'd be a better parent if I knew how. I had a mom that didn't hug, say I love you, protect me what so ever, and finally stuck me in an asylum which was totally unfair cause I'd do anything for an ounce of love from her, anything. I have to wonder, am I repeating the same cycle with my son? Cause I've been killing myself trying to get him to 'get it'. I have no problem believing his bratty or dark side - but I have a problem seeing it, knowing what I'm seeing, and aparantly even Vince my autistic son can pull it over my eyes when it comes to manipulation and ulterior motives.

I am unequipt to do the ulterior motive thing. It's just not in me to do or to see others do (mostly, I have lucky times sometimes).

Anyhow, I'm low. Not the kind of low that won't get better, I know it'll get better...but I'm just more than anything in shock. I really thought, all he did that drove me nuts, which is CONSTANT was accidental so I tried, I really did, to be understanding and loving. If there was a residential school he could go to, I'd pack his bags tonight. I'm not blind to his bad side by being is mother...and I've seen mother's like that. I'm blind to so much as an aspie, I usually have no qualms with my neurology now as an adult, but man, I feel as incompetent as a zitty skinny flat chested frizzy haired high school kid. I'm just kind of numb really. Like, well what do I do now? Cause honestly, I'm frickin tired. Ya know?

Oh, and Keg, I wasn't competely sure what you were saying...I can say anytime I go to school, Vince hates it cause I expect much more from him that school does. I figured once he stopped wanting me at school and was like, "please don't come" I must have turned some corner in the right direction. Anyhow, I just wasn't completely sure about all you said. I'm too whipped to read it again....

Hey, that's a good word. I feel just whipped, broken, like a stinking beaten horse.

HOW DO I STOP CARING ABOUT HIM, AND START CARING ABOUT THE OTHER THREE PEOPLE IN THIS FAMILY????????????? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT????????? IS THAT WHAT I'M DOING WRONG?????????? I mean, no one has to actually answer that. I'm just glad, blessed, lucky, so happy to have you all to post to here. Who else would I even talk to without you guys?

Thanks for listening,
Love,
Mili