I spoke with my cousin last night and she said she probably won't be able to make the trip here this year. She is looking to buy a house, and I understand that. It makes me real sad, I look forward to seeing her every year, it is like a vacation for me too, in a way.

Then we spoke about maybe meeting back East where I used to live, she could actually drive there. Then we could get a hotel, with a pool, and I could also see my friends. She is up for that. I on the other hand don't have the money to do that. I really don't have money to save, plus I am not good at saving money.

Dirk said he would take care of it and my mom and dogs and birds. Yet, he has his daughter coming for her
week off in April, and then he wants her to come back in the summer for awhile. So, she comes first, I don't want him to have to worry about me.

Dirk knows I am sad. My mom doesn't know about this yet. She doesn't think that I should be sad or depressed, because I am on BP meds. She will just tell me to get over it or something to that effect, then say did you take your meds? I hate that.

Lately my mom has been wanting everything at the moment she says! No matter what I may be doing. Dirk has told me and others that she knows what buttons to push with me, and that she can do a lot more than she shows. I think that is true too. She seems to dis/put me down/or make me look stupid, then says oh I am only joking. Then when other people tell her I need a break, she laughs and says for what?

It's just a mental break I need, she doesn't understand that. The physical part of cleaning, doing her meds, making sure she eats, laundry, shopping, helping her with her showers,cleaning her commode, she uses that because it is easier for her she says then going to the bathroom, which is very close. If I say anything, she says YOU are my caregiver, I just want her to be able to do things that I know she can do for herself,I can handle the rest of what I mentioned, although that would be a nice break too.

I really enjoy when Dirk and I go away for 1 night and all, it helps.

I guess I need to snap out of this soon, but I am trying. I see my p-doc tomorrow.

I know this is old news and everyone is probably sick of hearing it. That's ok, I do understand, believe me. I just feel sad, depressed somewhat, and going to miss my cousin, my friends I haven't seen in 4 yrs.

I think I just need a mental break from it all, just for a bit.

Enough of me venting. I did get my certificate from the HSUS for the online course I took "Interpreting Animal Behavior and Safe Handling" we framed it and put it up on the wall. I should be getting my books, materials for the "Vet Assiting" course I enrolled in through Ashworth University, online, it's quite intense, around 22 courses. Looking forward to getting started on that. One good thing, right?

Just needed to talk, vent......Maybe this sadness and depression will subside. I hope so, or it will go the other way and get worse. I was on the very edge of tears last night, so maybe a good cry is on its way to help.

One day at a time.......................baby steps as they say. Thank God and all the Angels for you all, always being there for me.

Thanks for listening.............Nikko