I don't even know where to start....I have withdrawn into myself and don't know what to do about it! My life has been one big roller coaster since the surgery that more or less ended my life as I knew it.....family has pulled away from me, some accusing me of being a junkie since I have to take narcotics to survive, and I guess I am just no longer any fun since I am unable to do much....some think I am faking (God I wish I were) and others just don't like being around someone disabled. I used to keep a online journal at another site but I lost close friends there and just can't go back...and here I don't know where to post, I fit in so many areas but because of my distrust of people, (online and IRL ) I can't seem to click with anyone and I just know I can't go on like this forever.
I saw a therapist for months and he felt I was making progress and released me pending further help, but now we have a new year with new deductibles and I can't afford the meds I am on now along with hubby who had yet another heart attack at the end of last year so we are broke, helping our kids to the point we can barely get by (hubby's idea) and worries about money, wondering if I will survive 3 families under one roof is making me even crazier. The kids and wives all now work but it is a huge strain on our budget. I even went off my hormone cream and lasix to save money and all it got me is 30 lbs of fluid wt, so Dr made me go back on them however I am waiting for the mail order hormones (its a compound bio identical hormones since I can't take estrogen and there comes the lasix, I blow up with fluid when I take it and I guess when I don't take the other)! Hubby is in his own little world of misery barely speaks to anyone and it feels like I am invisible here unless I am needed for something (like cooking and cleaning) and I can barely walk! I am still waiting on disability since may of 06 (denied 2 or 3 times so far) and I am 50. I used to be a nurse, now I am nothing and no one. I guess I sound crazy but I don't know where else to turn. Thanks for listening to my rambling.