I wish I had more than a few seconds to post you. Mil, you have to stop thinking that you can be the perfect mom that your mother was not.
None of us are perfect, all our kids will grow up with their issues. You must get that illusion out of your head, and just be the best mom you can be to both of your kids.
Of course this is a bias opinion, but I think you should see a psychotherapist to help you, with your issues. You are a pretty cool person... and yet you seem to forget that... why is that so?