Quote:
Originally Posted by David McCallion
Firstly i must warn you i'm the other spectrum of this forum, those that are actual survivors of attempted suicide.
I don't condone what i did [16 years ago] and at that specific time the demon drink played a hand in events. But my mental health was the key factor.
My in-laws, and family... couldnt't understand...i had a beautiful wife[still have] a young son of four months my own house etc...
but what everyone else saw was a balanced mind......sadly inside i was not ...
Whatever you feel about the act... do not see it as an afront/or snub to you and your children...Your husband would never have intentionaly wanted to hurt you.
But he has....and your pain anguish and anger are humanly justified...
But years on from my own experience you have to accept the past forgive it if you can and LEARN FROM IT.
YOU WERE NOT THE REASON HE DIED, HE chose to or ended up on a path of self for filling prophesy where sadness and desperation lead people into irational behaviour... Self medication through Alcohol is common in underlying mental health...its not the answer ... but sometimes its the soloution.. Alcohol is an addiction... it comforts you when your low,//makes you laugh when your happy...feeds you when your emoitionaly hungry//never answers you back or disputes what your thinking or saying. Defends you when you think your in the right//diserts you when you know your in the wrong// but above all when you need an ear//a shoulder to cry on/ drink is always there.
I know several people, who the world thought were strong and upstanding, and had meaning to live, yet took their own life and left distraught families in their wake...Why we will never truley know... because sadly we dont live in the minds of others.
I truley wish you peace in your trauma, and pray this pain will gradualy reduce.
If you ever feel the need to be angry and shout, i am more than willing to listen.............
DAVID |
Dear David, I never expected this and am so glad you did. You hit the hammer on the nail, whether sad or happy "drink is always there"! And yes it really was as he ALWAYS had an excuse to drink. It was always there throughout our marraige. When I met him, he had a case of beer in his hands. He was drunk at our wedding and the first thing he packed in his overnight bag to take to the hospital for the birth of both his little girls was his bottle of whiskey. But it wasn't until the last few years that he became out of control. He was a "functionable alcoholic", able to fool everyone except me! Nobody could understand unless they had gone through what we had. In the end he was up to two 1/2 gallon bottles of whiskey a day in addition to numerous beers. He became someone I didn't even recognize. In the end I didn't even know who he was anymore, I just knew this was not the man I had married 17 years ago. But the most unforgiveable part of what was happening was what he was doing to the children and how I couldn't intervene, he wouldn't let me! The physical and mental abuse and loading them up in their carseats and driving them with an open container in his truck. I am the one who left him. I took the children and fled the home. For the next year and a half we fought through the courts. He became a monster and turned family and friends against me because no one really believed how much he was drinking. It took him so much to show any signs of intoxication because his system was so used to it. During his calls to his children he would pit them against me with vicious lies. Through all of this legal battle we lost everything! It was the power of the bottle that cost him his home, family, job and everything else. However, he blamed me for it all. I was his scapegoat for everything that went wrong. He could never own up to any fault or responsibility. In the end he drank himself to death and succumbed to carbon monoxide poisoning because of his impairment to make a good decision.
I don't blame myself for any of this and loathe him for what he has done. We were a beautiful well-sustained family that turned into the most disfunctionable family I know. He was my best friend! He left two beautiful healthy little girls! He left me!
I am so glad you are still here, David. There is a reason for that. Whether it's your family sitting all around you or something yet out there, YOU have an impact whatever the reason.
Thanx for listening
