Quote:
Originally Posted by Alffe
Nohope you know that you can post and read in all the threads here, or start a new one if this one gets too long. I think the tendency for suicide runs in families..your husbands family is an example of that...I also think there is a true link to alcohol and suicide.
I think I was about 10 yrs old the first time I thought about it. I was sitting on a step right by the two lane road that ran past my uncles farm in southern Indiana...I loved visiting there and was having a wonderful time.
A big semi truck was coming down this road and into my mind jumped the thought...I'm going to get up and run in front of it! Obviously I didn't but I remember being suprised at myself that I'd think of such a thing.
The last time I thought about it was when I was walking around the cemetary with a loaded gun...Michael was freshly buried there and I wanted to join him. I told my husband, gave him the gun and have never again considered doing that. Oh, I wished I were dead plenty of times but could never put my loved ones through that after learning first hand what it does.
And David, I think you understand all too well about self medicating with alcohol (as do I)....just do not have access to a gun while doing it.
Well folks.....are we having fun yet?  Very heavy conversation so early in the morning.  |
So good to hear from you again. I just wrote a lenthly note to David hoping to help people better understand what has truly happened her. Im still learning this site and found that you can see all my postings on one page! Oh my, I really am computer illeterate!!! Anyway, I have responded to so many peoples emails of care and I guess I can have diarrehea of the mouth sometimes and really carry on.
In November of 2005 when things were really getting out of control, I called his brother (who is still here) and his sister (who died 2 weeks before my husband to alcohol) to let them know what was happening. They completely brushed away my thoughts. In June of 2006 I left a very detailed message on his brother's machine that I believed my husband to be suicidal and they needed to watch after him as I was making my plans to leave. No one returned my calls. My husband had a very large antique collection of guns and that was my biggest fear. When his body was found, there was a loaded gun next to him never discharged. This is why his family wants to believe this an accident. However so many clues have emerged since then that I know this was not an accident.
Yes, I believe suicide and alcoholism run in families. One of his brothers killed himself in October 1989. One of his sisters succumbed to alcoholism 2 weeks before my husband.
Oh, I so feel what you did with Michael and when at first when my husband died I just wanted to give everything up and join him, but as time went on and the clues started to emerge I couldn't keep away from my kids and felt the need to blanket them even more. Now I would never dream of leaving them. I'm all they have left.
Thank you so much for hearing me and helping me to better understand this tradgedy.