Dear N. Hope (I'd like to think the "N" stands for "near"),

First - Thank you , dear Alffe for bringing this thread to my attention. I haven't been reading much with the things of the last few weeks.

Hope - your story rings familiar with me. 5 years ago my husband of 28 years also took his life ater 5 years of downward spiral with heavy drinking, drug abuse ( I found out after he died), quiting his job, pulling away from everything and everyone.

We had times through our marriage of dealing with heavy drinking (and pot), but he would always turn around and things would seem to be better. We had 2 children and he, though self centered, worked and was at least "around". In 2003 he quit his job of 23 years and just seemed to go down the tubes. I didn't know until after his death that he had become addicted to prescription drugs (including drugs that he obtained illegally like oxycontin and fentanyl). This, in addition to the alcohol, prescribed drugs (anti depressants, sleeping pills, anti-anxieties, and pain meds) - the combination of these in high enough levels together is how he died. It might have been considered accidental (my daughter still wants to believe this) but he left notes for all of us and there were 2 loaded hand guns next to him. I think that was his actual intent but the drugs got to him first. (and for that I am thankful).

The hardest thing for me is that it happened 3 weeks after I finally left him. (guilt - inducing....) I had tried so hard for so many years, lying to myself and putting on a good front for others. I confronted him many times and gave him my bottom line - he would "try" (or go underground, more likely) for a w hile, only to have it reoccur - worse each time. He was my high school sweetheart and we had a good life - nice home - 2 kids - wonderful friends and family. I desperatly wanted to grow old together and have our grandchildren snuggle in our laps and play in our yard. I wanted to carry on the family traditions and add to the wonderful memories we had built. I wanted to look into the eyes I had loved for so long after they became wrinkled and see that love returned. I guess that was why it took me so long to realize things were so bad.

Leaving him was one of the hardest things I have done - I know you understand that. It must have been so much harder for you with 2 little ones (mine were out of the house) and no where to go. (I went to my parents' home nearby). The night before he died, he called me and we had the best conversation - I was even thinking that maybe he was beginning a real change - the last thing we said to each other was "I love you" - and for that I am also grateful.

The aftermath was hard - although my family mostly accepted his death as suicide, I found only a few people that I could be totally, gut wrenchingly honest about the gammit of emotions. I continued my roles as the "protector", trying to be strong for everyone else and putting on a good face that I was moving on. I ended up moving 700 miles away eventually, which helped me deal with my "stuff" and start anew. It is now 5 years later and I am recently married to a wonderful man ("Who Moi") who has been very important in my journey of healing (still on it - like everyone).

The shock waves continue to ripple through our lives. But, like an onion peeling away layer by layer, healing comes closer. I still remember the good times and miss him and the life we had at one time - but it doesn't consume me. I cry, rage, remember,talk, and get through the next layer.

Sorry this was so lengthy - I just wanted you to know we share some common ground and there is a future for you and your girls. You sound like a wonderful mother and I applaud you for doing what you have done.

I agree about letting the girls talk and grieve and be angry. Let them say or feel whatever it is - talking it out takes away some of the sting.

Remind them often that it was not their fault (you would be suprised at how suicide brings guilt to the least suspecting).

Remind YOURSELF that is was not YOUR fault either.

Don't stop talking - find those few that will listen to whatever - whenever - even if it is this forum. Although you cannot see our faces, we ARE real and really here for you.

Take care of yourself. Stay healthy for you and your girls.

Feel free to contact me by my personal email (I will PM it to you).

Spanish Moss (Nan)