Quote:
Originally Posted by gizmogirl
dear nohope, I think it would be a great idea if you continue chatting with us. You owe it to yourself to talk about how you are feeling, and haven't be able to talk to his family or the people who are too busy with their current lives. I promise you that if you keep talking with other people who have been devastated by suicide, it will make a real difference in your life. My mom committed suicide 6 weeks after my dad passed away, just when I thought I had her stresses under control enough to hopefully avoid such thoughts, so you can imagine how frustrated (and tired) I was.
It's not like people are going to tell you how to feel. I think you said it well when you said it's just being able to talk to people who have been dumped with the effects of a loved one committing suicide.
It really makes a difference in your life if you are also talking with people 'live', as in finding a group to visit with. You sound like you've been too depressed to find the group nearest to you, so tell us where you are and people here can do a little brainstorming for you.
I wish I could tell you that in 'n' weeks you'll be 'over' it. But you will never be over it. However, you can reach a point where you are proud of yourself for how you are doing, even if there will always be days when you just can't believe that you are in this situation. Those days never stop completely, but they come less often, eventually. Do you like the school your oldest will be attending?
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How horribly tragic! But it's like I know and keep reading, there was literally nothing you can do! I have never once felt guilt for what he did. He made his decision. After years and years of putting up with his excessive drinking and the ultimatums I aserted and trying to get his family envolved, I had totally had it! I hated who I had become when I was around him. This was not the man I married. That man was my best friend and we were inseperable, enjoyed the same things and shared the same morals, had the same goals and dreams. Life was full and beautiful and we so longed the days that we could be together. I approached his sister in early 2006 and she said he wasn't one to take to demands and that I wasn't going about the right way. Was there really a right way? I had been after him for years! She said I must approach it with a sympathetic approach. This is his sister, 10 years older than him who died from alcohol abuse last Sept 20. Only 2 weeks before my husband's death on Oct 6, 2007! When I used her approach and was all sympathetic and told him of my concerns for his health, he said I was "brainwashing him"!!!! At the court hearing, when my husband was on the stand in complete withdrawls and in a convulsive state, the judge asked him to please tell the court was was happening. My husband's voice came out as a squeek and he stated he was "having an anxiety attack and I was there to make a mockery of him"!!!! His head was violently jerking back and forth and he was clutching his neck and arm and struggling to talk or breath. I was crying wanting someone to call for help. I was so scared for him and that he was going to die. He literally fell off the stand when they asked him to go and take his seat next to his attorney. My friend who went with me said she was traumatized for life. My attorney was almost speechless and said she had never seen anything like that in her life. For years, I could do nothing. My husband knew he was in trouble, but he would never admit that to anyone. He "was the man"! I was to respect him, basically walk on egg shells around him and kiss his feet. But then the mental and physical abuse on the children. No matter how much I loved him, I knew I had given it my all and there was nothing left. I demanded he get help and only then maybe a marraige counselor could save us. His answer was to slam me with divorce papers. That was the shocker as that was not my husband. My husband depended on me to do everything for everybody. He was a follower and would just follow in my footsteps. Even though he held down a full time job, he left everything else up to me. I did the bills, errands, taking care of the kids, chores, you name it. It was because of his irrational behaivior and state of mind that I believe he followed the lead of his friends and brother to actually file for divorce. This is not something he would've ultimately wanted and his eldest sister confirmed following his death. Alcohol turned him into a monster and so motherly instinct kicked in and I got the children out!
I cry myself to sleep at night wanting so desperatly the life we had way back when. I feel like I have died inside and just don't want to go on. There is no joy left. I used to have such a love for life. I am not suicidal, I just don't care what happens to me at this point. If it weren't for my girls, I would not be here.
On the brighter side, after our 3rd move in 10 months, I fought the school board and my eldest was allowed to remain at her new middle school. That child has lost everything and I am so happy she can stay there. The downside is that I have to get up early every morning to take her to school and then turn around and pick her back up as the buses don't come out this far. That is my only reason for getting up in the morning now.
Thank you again for sharing your story and hearing mine. You are right, I find talking live on-line more illuminating then going to a group.