Alffe, thank you kind lady for your words. Doody, you too are in my thoughts. Yep, that dreaded time of year is over…lonely is the word to use. My sister called on Christmas…my dad was snow skiing with his latest squeeze. He did call on New Year’s Day and offer his opinions that I should be dating…some people just don’t get it. They day he heard that Michael died I talked to he and he told me how lucky he was that he went that way (heart attack). Uhhh, gee dad, that makes me feel a whole lot better. Yes, I understood what he meant, but he could have waited awhile for these pearls of wisdom.

Then again, he never really has. The most emotion I’ve ever seen from him was at mom’s funeral and he walked out of the service because he couldn’t handle it. They grew up across the street from each other and had been friends since they were born. Now he says he would still be married to mom if she didn’t have her mental problems…uh, what happened to for better or for worse? Probably why I refuse to talk to my family about how depressed I am, he may not understand that either.

I’m rambling, I just wanted to be sure that I checked in while I could. Still living the same way…sad, depressed. It’s hard to explain…I’m suicidal, but I’m not. I don’t want to be active in causing my death, but I just don’t want to live anymore. Life is too full of pain both mentally and physically that I don’t want to play. I’m aware that my thinking of skewed…hell I’ve been a total recluse for a year now. Too hard to explain all the crap that is going on to anyone, I remember laughing, falling in love, going out, enjoying the things that I had and I miss that and shake my head in disbelief and wonder what happened to that person, because she sure isn’t here anymore. But it seems that so much has fallen apart with the financial problems, the problems with my home (it’s cracking in half…so much for double wide mobile homes), no insurance…the list seems endless and no place to begin as they are all overwhelming. So I continue each day waking up and thinking that sadly I am still alive.

I do apologize for the ramblings…just tossing thoughts out there. I also apologize for not replying sooner. I’ve been having computer problems (of course) and had to dig out the laptop and it’s tempermental. Thank you all again, I do appreciate your understanding and compassion more thank you know. Maybe someday I will be stronger and can be the one helping.