Quote:
Originally Posted by ckepi
HI!
I came to this forum because I have MS but while looking around I found this area.
I am 31 yars old, my first husband committed suicide when I was 23, in 1999.
I have done what I can and for all intents and purposes I have moved on with my life. I remarried and I have a beautiful little girl.
Yet I still carry it around with me. I am not afraid to talk about it persay I just don't have anyone I can talk about him with and sometimes that is hard.
We were having alot of problems and I left him, about a month later he killed himself. Our mutual friends bailed pretty much immediately.
They blamed me, I understand that for them it was easier to be angry at me, I have come to terms with that. But it is hard because they were also friends with my current DH and because he chose to remain friends with me and then eventually started dating me they no longer talk to him either.
They were his only friends, I had other friends but he didn't. It is hard and I'd be lying if I didn't say in some ways it has put a strain on our marraige.
I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here, I guess just people who understand and a place I can remember the good times with my 1st DH. We dated for 9 years and were married for 1 when it happened. There were good times but I no longer have people to share those thoughts with. I spent about half my life with him before he died, he was tied to so much of my life...
Talking about him to the people who were a part of our life is next to impossible as it seems to be too painful for them. I then feel guilty for bringing it up. I have no problem talking to my newer friends who didn't know him as far as the fact that I was married and he committed suicide but then it becomes the unspoken truth of my life, does that make sence?
Some times something will happen and I'l think of something that we did together and I want to comment but I feel like I need to silence myself rather than make others feel uncomfortable.
I have never had the opertunity to talk to others who have experienced this and I don't know if what I feel is normal?
Any way I just wanted to say hi and see where this goes from here. Thanks for reading.
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Hey smiley, remember me, nohope? You responded to my posting just over a week ago. The reason I came here is very similar as I just can't shake what has happened. The only reason for my husband's death was alcohol. He was the love of my life and I can't leave it alone. Being that you brought yours up again means you haven't let it go. Neither will I. Just like you we spent half our lives together and produced two beautiful healthy girls. I lost my best friend and will never ever find forgiveness for what he did to a beautiful family. We had a wonderful life and because of him we lost everything. A friend asked me yesterday to find the core reason of my pain and then we'll work on that. I think I finally figured it out. I love him! I can't imagine the rest of my life without him! The "head of household", the one you would die for. Family! A family that doesn't know how they can continue without "father", the better half. I feel like he killed me too.
Funny, I told Alffe just this morning I would be away from my computer today. I am still trying to settle the economic issues revolved around his death. However, here I am again drawn to this site.
We do have things in common. All our mutual friends took sides and now I find that I hardly can communicate with the ones left on my side. It's just not the same. These were friends that we were always hanging out with together. These friends that took sides were ones I had known over a decade. Also feeling like I have to be quiet because the friends left are sick of hearing about it or our saddened makes me feel like there is no one left but here that I can get it out. Although my husband's death was just 3 months ago, we were seperated for a year and a half. It was the nastiest ugliest divorce ever for the custody of our children. I so longed for the day he would come crawling back and apologize, but knew I could never accept it after him exposing his true colors. Take the alcohol away and he was a remarkable person and well received by all, but he could just never get away from it. As for my new friends who have come out through all of this, they never met him and will never understand, but they do try and I am very grateful for those few. As for the others, I am so saddened for the loss of friendship and can't possibly understand.
So to sum it up in a nutshell, "talk away" to your new friends here. It's obvious if we share our pain on the internet we are going to attract people very much in the same situation. I have only been here for a week and have been able to let a lot out. I don't have insurance and I am trying to ween myself off the anti-depressants that my doctor has quadrupled. I am scared and find talking here is helping me to cope.
Take care and talk all you want about it here.
Have a better day
