((((((Barbara)))))),



Nobody but me and you and anyone else who's lost an EX are gonna understand how much of a wrench their death throws into our lives. Even without the money problems. Even without the in-law problems. Losing him screws things up big-time. I just couldn't believe it I left my husband in 1979. The divorce was final in 1981. He refused to pay our son's medical bills until I fought him. He refused to pay child support until I fought him. He fought me on Christmas and Thanksgiving visitation. He fought me on splitting the house. He had little 'side deals' going on with our son -- 'give me the keys to her house', 'call me when she drops you off at Sunday school and I'll pick you up' ... I could go on for pages.

Yet I sat in the hospice with his wife and our son and my step-son for the last week of his life in 1996. It knocked me right on my *** for two years. I cried. I was depressed. I couldn't believe the reaction that I had. But, it was like the divorce was REALLY, FINALLY over. You understand that, right??

Barbara, you always sound like you expect to be "all better" by now. It's been such a short amount of time and you haven't been ALLOWED to grieve because of all the harassment and interference by the in-laws.

I wish I could fix everything for you. The only thing I can do is 'understand'. You're still going to have to go through all of this step-by-step, pain-by-pain, day-by-day.

You're not doing yourself any good by drinking or by fighting with the neighbors. Especially, when you know your days are gonna be loaded from sunup to sundown with major-league aggravation and crap from the in-laws.

What I think is happening is it's "safe" to yell at the neighbor. Yelling at the neighbor doesn't cost you in court or cost you by making you look like a "crazy person" to the in-laws.

Your friends and neighbors are gonna be the ones that are gonna keep you sane through all this. Maybe it might be a good idea if you get a therapist to support you -- specifically through what you're going through now. No talking about childhood issues. No talking about the EX and the abuse. Just talk about (and WRITE ABOUT) the in-laws, the money problems, the frustration, the pain, the loss -- just the NOW stuff.

Barbara, we all know that you've got strength that you haven't even tapped into yet. But, you're so exhausted and worn out from the constant heartache and pain and stress from the past few months (past year).

Honey, try to hook up with an additional someone in your life to help you through the next 4-to-6 weeks. If your insurance won't cover, try talking with a priest or a rabbi. Or, try attending Recovery, Inc. meetings. In the local newspaper you should also be able to find support groups for divorced people. Something like that might help too.

Call your neighbor and apologize for being 'snappy' -- tell him/her that you're in a very stressful place in your life right now and you're sorry you took it out on him/her.

BIG HUGS. It 'does' get easier. And you'll be better on the other side of it. But, it 'is' gonna be hard for quite awhile more.

Barb