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Abbie · 01-30-2008, 09:38 AM

Dear David..

I too am on the same spectrum as you... opposite from many on here. I have never lost anyone to suicide... no one that I personally knew that is.

I will say that suicide is the first thought in my brain each morning and the last each night. It's been this way for for over a year and a half now...

I come here to TRY and understand how my family and friends might feel...IF.

I don't want to hurt anyone and that's the only reason I have not....though I have attempted many times...

I have lost many friends due to my illness... many ran faster than lightening when I was diagnosed... other ran faster than that when depression was becoming obvious.

I don't have any answers... not many questions... I come here to read and I absorb... I don't talk much because I don't connect with most...

My closest touch with suicide other than my own attempts was shortly after my graduation when a good friend of mine called me early one Halloween and he sounded "funny"... I knew he should have been in school. We talked for a bit and he hung up...I don't know why but for some reason I immediately called another friend and told her to come get me NOW (i didn't have a car)...

We arrived at my friends house and everything was closed up... I knew he was there but he wouldn't answer.... I ran next door and grabbed a couple of construction men (new sub-division being built). We ran back, they tried every door...finally...I was resting against the garage door and I noticed it was vibrating... yes... the car was running. One of the men ripped the garage door off... was told by docs at the ER...5 more seconds and he would be gone...long story short...my friend is still on this earth but has never spoken a single word to me since.

I know all of that doesn't make sense...but wanted you to know some of my story...but also that I do read and connect with yours....

Abbie