I am getting so many personal messages here from people who are afraid to talk about what they are feeling for fear of triggering others..or fear of being misunderstood.
We shouldn't feel like we are walking on eggs...we need to identify the elephant in the room. (everyone is familiar with that....right?)
Nohope I hear a lot of anger in your words....and guilt about the anger...and longing for what used to be. All those emotions are normal when someone we love kills themself and ruins our lives. It sounds like you had it all and he threw it away....how could you not be angry about that!
What a horrible legacy to leave his children. And the "core of your pain"...we are the walking wounded. It's a very long journey to the other side but you've begun....

And we are all going to get there!