Amanda do you have a faith? Sorry to be personal and you sure dont have to answer. But I found my faith has helped a lot. That "uncertain thing" is what drives a lot of worry, can create depression, and make the whole future seeem gloomy and unbearable. But it's just that you dont know what is ahead. The truth is the 'future' doesnt just land on you all of a sudden in one day, it unfolds, it evolves and you deal with each step as you come to it.

It is stupid to say do not worry. As I worried, I was also angry that we had autism in our family. What the hell had I done to deserve this? My friends all had their normal kids and their normal lives and I was left with a child who wasnt toilet trained and spoke in riddles, had terrible balance, was clumsey, and drove me nuts. I loved her, she was cute and had gorgeous blue eyes and a big heart and innocence that brought out the mothering instinct to protect her. But it wasnt fair.

My next daughter down hit milestone after milestone and each time she blossomed it just painfully highlighted the things Hazel was missing out on. I intelectualised things and analysed stuff but in my heart never I truely accepted that Hazel was special needs. I looked for cures, but gave up earlier than other parents. I also resented Hazel, even though it wasnt her fault. I had at one point 2 daughters and a son. I thought of myself as having 1 daughter, 1 son and Hazel. I still do a bit, I now have 3 daughters, 1 son and a Hazel. She is so different. Its like having 3 dogs, 1 cat and a giraffe. One of the pets stands out more than the others. and one of my kids stands out more than the others.

When she was 12 I had a watershed moment. I wrote about it on the old MGH board. There was a combination of things that occured. I had the 'Welcome to Holland' poem in my head for months and I understood it with my head, but not my heart. Then Breezsha performed in a dance recital at our town hall. Hazel sat with me in the dark but acting like a fruit loop. And I was fine until the senior girls (Hazels age) took the stage. This is the class that Hazel would have been in if she wasnt autistic. I knew all the girls from school and from the dance studio but had never seen them dance. They did the most gracefull, and delicate and powerfull dance that ripped my heart out. The music sliced through me as I watched these 12 - 13 year old girls pre-womanhood perform seriously skilled footwork and talent. Tears poured down my face as I was 'letting go' of all the anger and pain and emotion of 11 + years. Hazel never was one of these lovely girls and she was never ment to be. She was just ment to be Hazel and this was OK. As I was wrestling with all this - in the dark in a theatre seat Hazel wanted to go to the toilet and got up and crossed the whole audience area (there would have been some 600 - 1000 ppl in the audience) and in a lull in the music and for all to hear she shouted back to me "MUM - DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE TOILET?" It kind of puntuated my full acceptance that she was never going to be like other people.

I knew Hazel's life might be crap as an adult, restricted, limited and unfillfulled and so I poured my soul into at least letting her have a good childhood. Even though we could not afford it I spent months organised and buying a pony for her 12th birthday. I figured if she was to have a crap future I would at least give her the best 12th birthday. This was another milestone for me. Accepting I could only do my best with what I had.

Hazel is 18 now and its not so crap. Its not brilliant, but not as gloomy and filled with dispair and disappointment that I anticipated. It is actually full of hope and hilarity. Now I know you can not compare apples with oranges and your son has different issues. But I am supremely confident that when he is 18 NO MATTER what he is able to do and not do 1) you will be ok with it 100% 2) that the bleak future was not nearly as bad as was imagined the sky never fell in. 3) the stress and worry will have melted away 90% 4) you will believe that it had been a good thing to happen for the person it made you become

It is a journey. Which is cliche but true. And the start is rocky and painfull and you have no clues where the destination is. But if you can have a little faith and just deal with each step and obstacle as you come to it and not worry it will get easier I promise.

Peta