Hi Dakota,
I've been there too and it is tough. I came to this board after losing my mom to suicide and it was a really hard time for me. I went through a serious depression myself after losing her.

After losing someone so close to you do a suicide, you feel the deep depression yourself. I was actually hospitalized myself. I knew I didn't want to do that, but believe me, it was there, in the front of my mind. I wanted to go there. I wanted to make the pain go away. I couldn't find a way to stop the hurting, physically and emotionally.

I am now strong, healthy, and on my way up. I have gone to the survivors of suicide board. I reached out for help not so much for myself, but more for those who love me. For my children and grandchildren so they wouldn't have to deal with what I was going through.

I am stronger now. I still have days. We all do. When I was diagnosed with PN I went back into that deep hole, and it is hard to climb out of. However, there are so many people who love us that NEED us to climb out of that hole! When we've climbed out of it, then we do it for ourselves. But while we are in there, we do it for them. I couldn't do anything for myself while I was there. It didn't matter, I didn't matter. But my children, my grandchildren, they mattered.

Find something that matters to you and focus on that. Stay focused on that and hold on to it. Don't let go of it!
We are here for you and we look forward to hearing from you EVERY DAY! Get up , go outside and do the things that you HATE to do, cuz those are the things that force you outside your hole. Get outside for a walk, take a shower, talk to your neighbor.