After swearing "no more doctors, ever" last June, of course I'm seeing doctors again. But my principle has been to keep things very specific: only ask them for very specific things, don't ask questions about my symptoms.

I see the ophthalmologist every six months now, but only for pressure checks (eyesight is nonnegotiable).

I saw the ice-cube, don't-ask-don't-tell internist only to get my anti-dizzy prescription, and I only went along with her BP and cholesterol meds to humor her (she only cares about my blood--that's all I am to her).

Now I'm seeing a family practice doc at my new insurance, but only to attempt to get an ENT referral for a hearing surgery/device (which I subsequently found out the insurance does not cover--though they wouldn't tell me that BEFORE I signed up, of course).

Surprisingly, the FP doc actually asked questions about my dizziness and scheduled a second appointment (HIS idea) because he wants to examine me further and talk about the musculoskeletal stuff. I see him Friday and it will be a true test for me, whether I can hold my tongue and not tell him anything except what he asks. Because I know from experience that telling your symptoms makes them think you're a hypochondriac.

The thing is, I don't care. I am so used to it. I totally expect doctors to lose interest faster than a snowball melts in hell, once they figure out that the neuros have branded me a hypochondriac. When you don't expect anything, you don't get disappointed.

That's why I'm not surprised nor upset that the rheumatologist I saw last June did not take me seriously--I knew that from the appointment, and the report I just picked up confirmed it. He (and his intern) didn't write a word about my biggest complaint (strain in upper legs when walking). Basically they just said, of my achiness and joints and other symptoms, "not my department, in fact not a medical department at all" and smilingly sent me home with no tests and a very limited exam.

The spine specialist's report (thought I'd better collect these so I can tell the doc on Friday in case he asks what they said) was probably missing a page, either that or he didn't dictate anything except a short paragraph about a follow-up phone call.

Anyway, the new doc did look concerned when I mentioned the leg strain when walking. That is how I would THINK a doctor SHOULD react, but just watch--by the end of the appointment Friday, he will have gotten that little smirk and be telling me something like I'm just getting older, or I should just get past it, or it's just xyz which makes no sense in regard to my symptoms, something like that. It never fails!

On the plus side, I've lost about 9 pounds since I saw him almost three weeks ago. He was very skeptical about sending me a check-in e-mail once a month as I asked him, to make me lose weight (I respond to the threat of someone officially checking up on me!). I didn't think it would be that hard for someone to make a reminder pop up on their calendar and send a one-line e-mail, but it doesn't seem like anyone wants to go out on that limb, despite the health plan's heavy advertising about being healthy, losing weight, and suchlike. He did say he'd send me an e-mail in a month but didn't embrace my plan to lose weight--anything that's outside their "box" is suspect or silly. It's not possible, of course, that I KNOW MYSELF at age 50 and know what will work for me....

I'm just griping aimlessly here... what really makes me unhappy, too, is that with three insurances to choose from, not one covers the hearing help that I want (a bone-anchored hearing device) even though MANY other insurances do. And the fact that there was no way for me to find this out for sure until I actually signed up for the plan, although the ENT office made me think I COULD get it when I called them. Bait and switch.

Well, I can't let myself be too disappointed about anything. Because I have come to always expect the rejection, the twisting of my words and requests, the brush-off, the lack of caring.

On the other hand, the internist's office keeps bugging me to come get follow-up bloodwork even though I told them I've switched to a new insurance. And the gynecologist sent me a confusing note about getting a repeat pap or colposcopy, I couldn't tell when she meant--six months from my last visit in June, or six months from now? Anyway who cares--if you don't have HPV you don't have cervical cancer, and anyway what is the point of cancer screenings when you get old enough, every day you see stories about assisted-living places no longer accepting Medicaid, the huge burden that we baby boomers will place on the economy with our health-care costs, the aging population, etc.; what is this imperative to live long lives? I don't believe in it. I don't ever want to be 84 and have someone saying, as they did of my aunt, "Looks like it's time to get Nancy a lift chair." Nor do I ever want to be that 90-year-old woman sitting in a gown beside an MRI machine that I saw in the paper. I'm in favor of nature taking its course. Human beings have no need to extend their lives as far as possible.

YMMV! (Your mileage may vary, i.e., you may have a different opinion!)

Nancy T.