My t-doc is great. I've seen him for 8 years! That either tells you how bad he is or how bad I am. This really wasn't his idea, it was brought up by someone else that DBT might be good for ADD and PTSD issues and for giving me structure in my life. I have no respect for this counselor. I don't need to go through this crap again. I don't need a safety plan or a crisis plan. Like I said it makes me feel worse. Yes, I've avoided my way into insignificance and that hurts. They say it's about tolerating emotional distress. I suppose you could argue for it since I am distressed. But I know what my triggers are and this class is triggering me. I've fought for years to come out of emotional numbness. I can name emotions now. I don't want to protect myself from them. If I don't have respect for the therapist, the therapy ain't going to work. I fired a vocational counselor with the state because we didn't have a good relationship. They questioned me on that and said that in the real world you can't pick your boss. I said, yes I know that but I also know that in therapy if you don't have a good relationship there, it's not going to work. I think I already said that, sorry.

I'm also upset because I'm taking some classes because I had this idea that I wanted to get into graphic design. Well, I am starting to think that I suck at it. I'm not too swift with photoshop and as far as inspiration to design anything, I have ZERO. So, there goes that plan out the window. It seems like people, even t-doc are pulling away from me, like they are waiting for me to get my act together and do something. I KNOW it's up to me, I KNOW my life is my responsibility, but I suck at it and it scares the crap out of me. And I am so tired of doing it alone. I try the very best that I can. Making decisions and being assertive is not one of my strong suits. I'm so tired and I'm so emotional now. I'm so afraid.

I SUCK AT LIFE!!!