Thanks, and I know about the family stuff. My father drank a lot and wasn't around much, and as a kid my Grandma was pretty mean to me. I never understood why, but for whatever reason I was immune to that. She had me sleep in a crib even though I was old enough to be in a normal bed (6 years old) and would do things like take stuff my mom sent with me (snacks) and give them to my brother. I still can't figure out why she didn't like me, I wasn't a bad kid. I was shy, that's about it. My father was just a typical drunk, but not mean. He was the standard happy drunk. After he and my mom divorced they just didn't want me around. I was stuck to my mom anyway, so it was fine.

I was hospitalized once for over 2 months and the only thing I got was one card, that my grandma signed and forged my dads name on. That was the most I got. Then a few years ago I found out my dad had cancer and didn't want things to end this way, so I took the step to patch things up. I know he felt bad, when he saw me he was shaking and kept crying. My Grandma, however, is emotionless unless my brother is involved and the times she cries is when she calls me because he hurt her. My father has apologized to me and makes it clear he regrets missing out on my life, but my Grandma is a bit more attached to her 'ways'. And that's fine, she's really harmless.

I know deep down in their own ways the regret what they have done to me, but I know they wouldn't have cared as much if my brother would have been more of a 'success' versus an addict. I was second best to them, but I know I have always been the one with potential to make it and I have them to thank for leaving me on the side of the road. They are the ones that made me so tough, but in some cases it's not really a good quality to be so cold and immune to those things. What my family has done to me should have left bigger scars, and it almost worries me I've been able to brush off most of it and I fear that the day will come it will all surface and wreck me.

It is easy for me to turn my back and walk away from everything, and to be honest, that's not good. Right now, the only thing that keeps me from giving up is my partner and my son - but it's also the same thing that makes me want to just give up because I am afraid to drag them down with me. I just want to be anything or anyone but me.

It's kind of funny they say money can't buy happiness, but it really does. It buys health, and health to me is happiness. My health keeps me from living my life, my health is slowly taking my mind away from me. My health keeps me from doing things with my loved ones that I really want to do. And sadly, my health has a high price tag on it.

I saw my specialist last week, and it was such a good feeling that everything had a name and to hear I could be 'cured' but also hearing I had a 'long road' ahead of me. The road is about 2 years long, that is 2 solid years of treatment that's not within any average persons income. Two years of grueling treatment and no promise of a cure, it may be longer. But, the doctor promised she'd fix me.

I'm going to take the $12.00 in my bank and spend it on lottery tickets. I figure if I'm always the 1% to get some rare disease maybe I'll have the same luck with the lottery.

Thanks for listening, and thanks for the reply.