Oh, don't worry. I've learned my lesson saying "things can't get any worse" from the many times I said it, and they did. I've gotten to a point where I just expect the worse, so when something turns out to be 'safe', I'm pretty excited about it.

I know I have people who love me, and I hate to think of hurting them in any way. I never imagined I'd think that and think seriously about it to the point I had even began to wonder if I should start preplanning my own funeral. The thoughts I had repulse me. I guess because I almost feel like a hypocrite, although it's a totally different scenario. I had the case of my brother, who wanted help to pay for drugs, alcohol or other 'bad' things but when I'd recommend rehab, he'd say he would rather kill himself. Or if you wouldn't give him money he'd say, "I'll just kill myself no-one cares about me". He's threatened me with that for almost 7 years now. The times I worried he would do it, is when he didn't say it - when he was silent.

I never though that I'd get to a point in my life where I'd rather just be taken away, I felt and feel defeated. Like I let some negative entity win. I'm not a quitter, I've never been weak. I have weak moments, but I usually allow it to pass over and this moment is lingering. The feeling is bizarre, my chest feels like it has a lump in it and my pulse is all weird and then the crying thing isn't helping. I usually limit tears to once or twice a year and I haven't been able to stop since it started yesterday.

The most terrifying thought in my life was picturing myself gone, and feeling like it was a good thing. I don't want to think that way, I just want to brainwash myself or something and get it out of my head and it keeps coming back. I feel like I'm crazy or something. I mean sure, I get depressed - everyone does, or so I hear. I want to live and I want to think living is a GOOD thing. I keep saying it but it won't s-t-i-c-k.

I think I'm going to try and get away for the weekend and hope a change of scenery will help me, or at least give me a chance to refind myself and my normal methods of thinking and rationalizing. Right now, alone, I am not feeling rational and not feeling like I should even be alone.

I'm going to take a bubble bath and try and loosen up my muscles before I turn into a giant knot. :O

Thanks again for listening.