Shadow, I'm sorry that you have had such a difficult time.

You do need medical care, however, so keep trying.

May I suggest something? You do need a neurologist as well because of their specialised knowledge and you do need the time to develop some kind of relationship with them. I did so with mine and I got his consent to get the prednisolone I needed from my GP instead of going to him when I had MS episodes. But that was only after we had gotten to know each other.

When you get an appointment with a neurologist, just take your medical records to the doctor and say simply that you are looking for medical care. Personally, I find that with doctors, it is better to spare them too much detail about your life history. Know your symptoms well and describe them simply and clearly. Then let him do his job. Ask questions if you need to, however.

When you find a new GP, take the same approach: be simple and clear. Say that you want to use him/her for general health care and take the time to develop a relationship.

I sense from your post that you have a lot of anxiety, which is completely understandable. I felt the same at the very beginning and it lasted for a few years. I kept it to myself, however, and 'prayed' . If you can find a group of friends, here for example, and speak about your anxiety with them, it saves you off loading it all on the doctors. Many doctors are not good at dealing with their patients' fears.

Doctors often see illness as an abstraction. I think it is how they protect themselves, actually. They know the clinical symptoms really well in theory but are often reluctant or unable to listen the patient's emotional experience of illness. Of course, you do get exceptions but they are rare and to be treasured when you find them.

Shadow, become your own expert. Find out about MS, the current treatments and other things you can do to help yourself. There are many of the latter, especially around the food you eat, the kind of exercise you get and, also, authentic alternative therapies. You need to get good rest and relaxation as well. Things like Yoga and Feldenkrais can help you maintain flexibility and are very healing in themselves.

Take your time. This way - becoming expert in your own illness - you take control of your attitudes and feelings. With the knowledge you gain you can make informed choices about the treatments offered by your doctors.

It can take years to learn about MS but begin with yourself. It does seem that you do have MS, but it is not WHO you are. You happen to be Shadow , a person who has MS, but that alone does not define you. It is simply part of your experience.

Doctors should be our servants, not our masters, by the way!

Take care . I wish you all the best. You will get there . You'll be OK.