Yes it's hard looking at a blank piece of paper Bizi but that's what it is, blank, empty. I thought I could do this and really wanted this to work but I didn't realize how hard it was going to be. I'm just so flat right now in my thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure if it's from the lithium or just total exhaustion from working so many hours. I have a lot of magazines so maybe I'll just starting cutting and see if I can make some sense of it all.

My pdoc said that I have a little OCD going on with all these intrusive thoughts, as she called it. I jump around from one thought to another and it always involves what ifs, what if I had stayed home from work that day knowing my mom was sick? What if I had taken her to the hospital in the morning seeing how swollen her legs were? But she didn't want to go, she said she was okay and would make an appointment to go. What if I had gotten gas in the morning, would I have made it to the hospital in time to say goodbye?

So I'm left with emptiness but if I could have done anything different I would have.