for those out there who are like me.

the incessant needles, tests, negatives and positives of test results.
the never understanding always feeling, shell of a person who never knows what life will throw next.
pain, transient symptoms, sympathetic but confused doctors, is it all in my head???
can't move forward can't look back.
raw emotion that never shows! must be strong must be brave, must cry with no tears.
depression, they say it is all anxiety, they say it is all in my head. how can something that is so real and so debilitating be in my head?
family that has dreams bigger than you can fill. with hopes bigger than you dare to believe.
dashed hopes, random attacks, painful and terrifying attacks. never the same twice never understood.
What is this monster. I am so terrified. my doctors say it was their treatment for a misdiagnosed illness that caused the weakness, why does it persist? then suddenly disappear?
Good days????? what are those??? is that the fantom dream for which i strive?

Friends who believe you but then drift away like a floating leaf as soon as the tests come back negative to the suspected culprit? Does ANYONE understand. a lonely illness, a savage illness! an merciliess illness. will it rob me of my ability to think and my sharp mind? where will it strike next? when? how?

not yet dx yet what else makes sense? haven't we ruled out EVERYTHING else? how many more needles how many more tests.

with no insurance it is soooooo overwhelming.

must be strong, must not give in. to talk is to give in according to my family. thus i am locked in a vault of silence. I don't know if it is MS. It might not be. but the more i learn the more i realize that though they think it is all in my head. they might just be right. little areas of damage that didn't dwell within before. so scary, so agonizing is the wait.

it is said that the worst part of the hanging is the waiting. would somebody PLEASE hang me or set me free but don't keep me in the land of perpetual tortuous wating! somebody help! does ANYONE understand what it is like to be in my shoes. they are shoes filled with pain and turmoil both inner and physical. is there anything that i can do? is there any hope left in life? what if it is NOT MS. what then. I know that sounds hypocondrical but is there an explanation or will i be forever dammed to Limbo Land?