I don't know what to say. I'm afraid to say anything. I'm afraid if I start I won't stop. I'm afraid if I let the pain out, you'll all run away. I can't stop crying. It hurts to much to feel. I wish I was still unfeeling. Life didn't hurt that way, but life didn't exist either. I don't think God made me strong enough or maybe he wants me weak, I don't know.
I try so hard. The harder I try the more alone I feel. I just don't understand. I have a very dear friend that I have known for about four years now. We met online and he told me that if it wasn't for me he would have gone through with plans for killing himself. He has brought me so much knowledge and love out of me through the years, that a lot of times I think that I wouldn't be where I am today, if it wasn't for him. I lot of the things I have learned I've learned from him. I guess I am in despair because I know life is hard for him too and yet I still pour my heart out to him about my life and he tells me he doesn't know what to say. I think anything is better than nothing.
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Do I scare people away? I found out when I felt this way... no, I wasn't scaring people away... people have a hard time understanding how we are feeling as they have 1. never felt the way we are feeling. 2. They have felt the way we are feeling and those feelings scare them. So they distance themselves due to their own fears.
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Abbie, I think you hit it on the head. He is busy with his own life and maybe I am too for much. I would hope not but maybe I am wrong. It is hard for to distance from someone who has been so important to me. I know I'd like to believe that he understands me but in reality, even if he doesn't, I know that he always tries. And I love him for that.
******-offedness -- I thought that was a term I had coined. Yeh, I'm plenty ****** off and told God so last night. I even threw a chair across the room
Don't mess with me in a dark alley 
If only I could take that anger and use it productively instead of turning it in on myself. I haven't figured out how to do that yet... And that is making me cry as I write this.*******
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I have learned patient's is spelled
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and the I dont cares become integrity... and running away from life became endurance... pizzed offedness becomes perserverance?
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Tena, I like your new definitions
*****
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Being hurt sucks but we all get hurt and thats how we find our strength to heal. It helps us appreciate those who lift us up and keep their promises.
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I often think how wonderful it would be to be someone else but then I remember that no matter how pretty someone else's life looks from the outside I don't know what goes on behind closed doors.
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ckepi, I know you are right....
I see I've really messed up the formating of this post and I'm too messed up to fix it. So, it is going to stay up like this ---- imperfect, like me 
Love,
Hope