Thank each of you for hearing. Below is what I wrote and then cancelled because I thought it might be just "over-the-line." If so, I ask that a monitor delete it because, as I understand, I do not yet have the privileged of deleting a post.
from my heart,
reyn
Quote:
Never could I have imagined that my life would be lived within the walls of a house, with 23 of the 24 hours/day spent within one room. It didn't get this bad until the end of last year--and as the weeks and months go by, I've found myself drawing in, pulling away, not talking to or seeing anyone. Since the beginning of the year I haven't made it to any of my doctor or dentist appointments--all were cancelled just hours before the appointment time. The last time that I saw a doctor was toward the end of December--even then (Saturday night), I didn't go to the ER until the next morning, too late for stitches but soon enough to have the charges filed on my insurance before the end of the year!
My oncologist dislikes me so much that he offered to just mail me my monthly script for the pain meds and other drugs because I refused to take the follow-up five-years of chemo pills and did not make the last of several appts for biopsy of "possible metastatic lesion."
How did I fall so far down and away? I think it is partly due to mental illness but am also trying to understand how I became so alienated from all of my family and how I came to accept this weird existence of never going outside, never--ever--answering a knock at the door, rarely ever answering a phone, and depending on my husband for everything--I do not even drive anymore.
For awhile I was able to force myself to shower, get dressed, get into the passenger side and be driven to visit my son and my mother on a somewhat regular basis. Every day of this week I decided that I had to get up, get out--I haven't seen another person for almost three weeks now.
Why am I writing about this here? Because I don't want to die this way, and I know that I would not be crying right now if I did not believe in my heart that it doesn't have to end this way. Does that make sense? Would I feel sad and lonely if there were no hope?
If my words are inappropriate here, I'll not post. I didn't even know this place existed until today when a friend responded to an e-mail ((Alf)). I'm not at a critical stage, i.e., suicidal plans, but I could really benefit from just trying to talk about some of these issues and trying to find a plan that will help me work through and out of the horribly dark hole.
It's one thing to live a chosen life of peaceful solitude . . . another to be living in a partially-self-erected prison, then trying to break down the walls to access the outside world.
If I could just "talk" with some of you, as a group, it will help me to re-establish lines of communication. What are your thoughts about this?
thanks,
reyn
|