"Family/Relationships; Honestly, you become a NOT-FUN! person!! You can't go to Aunt Hattie's house because she's got stairs up to the house, THEN more stairs up to the bathroom! Yeah, we could wear 'depends' but WHO wants to? Far easier to decline the invite. This severe stuff does tend to alienate us from our families and our friends...They just can't ask litely: How Are YOU? and expect a lite answer in return...Makes a person feel like a drudge"

To me this is the hardest part of the whole chronic illness garbage. Before I was Hurt I was a very active,physically fit,full of testosterone man. I was a firefighter. I competed on a The State of South Carolina Firefighter Comp. team ( You know the one where you run up 3 stories of stairs in full gear,pull hose, hit a 175 lb piece of stell 8', and drag an 175 lb dummy 100 ft., hopefully in less than 2 minutes) participated in Mixed Martial Art's, and lifted weight's. I had a bench press of over 500lbs, squatted almost 800 and dead lifted over 600. It was my passion that got me hurt. I loved being a firefighter. Being a firefighter is what changed my life and has caused my chronic illness's. I have died twice (2 pulmonary emboli),had 4 DVT's, lost 60% of my lung capacity, and of course the PN. All of this from the result of 15 seconds of expsoure to a S&*tload of chemicals at a fire.
I went from being ,well I don't know what to call it, competitive to struggling. My physically conditioning from before my injuries disguises what is going on inside of my body. I still take my good days and work out (even my not so good days). My firefighter attitude get's me in trouble. I overdo it alot of times. Still stuck with the attitude that you must push through stuff and not "puss" out. Then I end up destroying the next few days.
The part of the whole illness thing is the being cut-off from and the misunderstanding of other's. Mostly the people that you thought should be the most on your side. I realized real quick that firefighter's especialy DO NOT like to see another injured firefighter. It's a reality that we cannnot face. So people that I lived with (24 hour's every third day) bled and cried with, abandoned me very quickly. My whole social structure vanished very quickly. Firefighter's are a very different breed. The way we interact is so much different than the rest of the world. We speak our own language. We rip one another ruthlessly. It is excepted and expected. So now my firends and my way of communicating were gone in what seemed like a flash.
The hardest people to cope with are my family. The were there when I was put into a chemically induced choma from my first PE. They have seen my physical pain. But, they don't take my phone calls because I talk too long when I call. My mother actually called me a hypercondriac just the other day because I told her that my PN was spreading to my hands. My sister said that I should have no problem cleaning the house because my shedule is so easy. I truly believe that they think I should be working even though everyone from the federal govt' to the state WCC have found me to 100% disabled. My father told me to start my lawn service back up. "Just wear a mask, that should be enough". I want to yell and scream "do idiot's think I am doing this because I like it, F- you"
Then you get the church. I am a Christian. My faith in God is unwavering. I have asked Him why He bought me back to live like this. I have stopped asking that question since I saw the face of my grandaughter....now I know why. Talk about good thing's to hold onto. Anyway back to the church....It seem's that anyone who has an illness and God hasn't healed them must be lacking in faith. Especially those who have never been injured or have suffered. You hear things from the pulpit all of the time "I have never been sick in my life, if a cold or illness comes to me I pray it away and rebuke the devil". So my disability means that my faith is weak. Wow, talk about venting. I guess that's why I love these forum's. However, I do not participate in support group's because it seems sometimes that all the groups want to do is to comiserate ( I know,I know, I am doing it now) but I can choose to not read a post or click off of the post if I feel it to be too much.
Thank you for this post. It has reallt shed allot of light on this whole mess. I do accept my injuries. But, man if I don't try to fight them everyday. I havte being told that I can't do something. And it really makes me mad when it's my body doing the talking. I guess that I hear the words other's have spoken. I am learning. I don't want to accept this. I feel that if I accept I give up. I am trying to transition, for 5 years, I don't think I am doing such a good job. There is no manual for changing everything about you midway through your life.

peace out
Kithitter (Phi Miller)