I get these wicked whole body spasticity spasms, what I call spaz attacks, when I've been sitting for a while, These are particularly bad in the AM, when it's been 12+ hours since I've had any meds. In fact, some of my falls happen because this spasm will hit as I'm trying to transfer, and I'll slide right off whatever surface I'm trying to transfer to. Anyway, one AM I had a hair appointment, and my hairdresser, Sheryl, was struggling to get me from my WC to the hair washing station, and the spaz attacks were hitting. I was saying "don't let me fall, don't let me fall," she was holding me in the chair, and other clients back there were staring in horror. Sheryl said, "You're putting on quite a show," and we both started laughing. I assured the others that it doesn't hurt. And it doesn't. It just looks awful.

I always tell people: "It's not as bad as you imagine. And it's ten times worse than you can imagine."

As far as reasons why.... For years I tortured myself with that, and never any answers -- including spiritual ones -- that made any sense to me, just more questions. No peace, no resting, just questions generating more questions. All without answers. And then I remembered Quincey. He was a horse a friend brought me (years ago, now) for training and lessons. Then one day he colicked, and five hours later he was dead of a twisted small intestine. Later I said to my vet, "Why? Nothing changed for him, his food, turnout, no stressful work, nothing changed. Why did he colic?" Kevin, my vet, looked at me with compassion, and replied, "Chris, it happened because it could." And therein is my answer.

Everything was in line. I had the viral component (episodic viral encephalitis as a teenager), the environmental compnent (I grew up in the Northeast), and the genetic component (who knows?). And I won the lottery. It happened because it could happen, as simple as that. My spiritual system was a shambles, but at last I felt some peace with the everlasting "why."

Chris