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Member
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Southern California
Posts: 308
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Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Southern California
Posts: 308
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I hear ya!
I hear ya on everything you said- and agree and feel the same way with almost all of it. (I don't have problems with MRI machines...I'm not claustrophobic, so it doesn't get to me.)
I was just talking about this with my therapist yesterday - we all live with a question mark over our heads - it's a fact of life - we don't know what might happen tomorrow, so to speak, but we deal with it - and just go thru life planning and doing.... But now, with MS, it's not just a question mark, it's a friggin time bomb, with an unknown timer on it....it's an awful way to live - and I admire the so many people before me who have been living with this for years and years. I'm new at this....just three months now, and have not figured out "how to do it".
I don't like planning things or committing to things now. There's always a caveat of - "I'm gonna try my best to come thru - but I can't guarantee it anymore." I HATE THAT!!
I also do not do the "dependence" thing well - having to rely on others, omg, shoot me now!! Worse than hate it - I DETEST it...it makes me feel so much worse. In January, I had no choice but to rely on others to do for me - I couldn't see other than double, the vertigo was insane (I felt like I needed a seatbelt while sitting on the sofa even!)...the dizziness, the fatigue...well, you know the whole gamut. I couldn't drive...and I live in a city where there is but no choice to driving....people in LA do not walk. LOL 
I was miserable, but I guess I was "too" sick to fight off taking the help - I had to take the help. Now that I'm a little better, I'm fighting it...but again, am limited in some things still (don't drive more than 20 minutes away from home, etc.).
I am also not one for faith. Blech. Where has that gotten me in life?
I'm told it takes a year or two of living with the disease to "adjust" to it....and possibly to come to terms with it. I just "hope" I can make it that long without going insane.
Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your post - just suddenly got very emotional about all of this again. 
~Keri
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