I had a really bad session today and I don't know what to do about it. I'm so sad and hurt and angry and stirred up. I feel both defensive and feel like I've been shunned.

It is so scary to be mad at her because she's all I have.

She just didn't seem to think what I was saying was important. She thought another part of the story was interesting and wanted us to talk about that. I thought she would be happy about the part I felt proud of. But she said I've always been good at coping and what was interesting was why this particular issue was so upsetting to me in the first place. Not on how I handled it. Not on the actual decision. And she said I was focusing on the actual decision so as to avoid the feelings about this other part. I didn't get a chance to explain.

I got all upset. Especially because I had begun by saying there was so much going on that I didn't know where to start. And this thing that I ended up feeling so bad about wasn't even how I wanted to spend my time. I felt like she wanted to focus on the stuff I'm bad at (and know I'm bad at) when I somehow was expecting praise for an ultimately good decision.

She said it was my choice. But it felt like she was pushing me to go into that, so it wasn't really a choice. I felt like I had to do what she wanted.

She also said I had to choose whether to engage and participate in therapy or retreat and disengage because I got really quiet and stared at the floor and tried not to cry. I felt like she was frustrated and mad. I was trying to control the panic and sadness by scratching my arm to keep from crying.

Usually she is good and I feel comfortable with her, but today I didn't. Today I felt like a failure and horrible inside. It felt like she was pushing and pushing and all I could hear was my bad side not good side.

But I feel so hysterical that I can't tell what I'm seeing and what I was projecting.

I want to be calm and rational. I want to lay out her failures as I see them. I want her to agree with me. I want her to say she was wrong. She won't do this just because I want her to. But I don't know how to do that without being at one extreme cold and irrational or hysterical at the other end.

She didn't want to listen to me lay out all my logic because she says my logic is not the problem and I've always been good at coping. But I don't feel good at coping. The decision was hard. I didn't get to the point of explaining why because she wasn't interested.

I'm so confused and so sad. I'm trying so hard to get things out and I feel like I have to talk about what she wants me to talk about. I got in my car and just screamed at the top of my lungs that it's my sanity we're talking about so let me talk.