Thank you for hearing me. I'm beginning to feel upset/anxious/scared/yucky/sad about going back on Monday. I suspect one of the things I'm supposed to learn in therapy is that I can have strong feelings and maybe disagree and that won't destroy me, won't destroy her, and won't destroy the relationship we've built.

But then again, what if I'm wrong? It is a lot to risk if I'm wrong. I'm afraid of making her mad. I'm afraid of annoying her. People get mad and then they take off and I can't take many more people turning their backs on me. People come, people go or leave this earth or take their own life. I’d give anything in the world right now to pick up the phone and talk to my mom or my brother but I can’t because they’re gone. I'm afraid she'll think I'm stupid for being upset and leave me too. But then she tells me I bottle up my strong feelings, pretending everything is ok, hoping the feelings will go away without talking about them and I'm damaging the relationship by not talking. I'm afraid she won't admit to being wrong. It is too hard to always be the wrong one.

This is what I was proud of. I wrote this out on my computer at lunch time. I never sent it but I just typed in frenzy pouring at my feelings like she told me to do.




Dear Boss,

How do I say this....

I’ve been working every day for the past 3 1/2 months 12-13 hours a day; doing all the things you say I shouldn't be doing because my billing rate is too high. But you make me do things the receptionist or secretary should be doing then ask me where my work is? DO I GET THE RECOGNITION THAT I DESERVE?! I HAVE PRETTY MUCH SOLD MY LIFE TO YOU SO I CAN PAY MY BILLS! I work to the bone, and when the time comes for my ONE DAY OFF, no not even a day off, just to leave at a normal time, you have to tell me I have to stay because you have a HOCKEY GAME TO GO TO! And you know that I've lost my best friend in the world and then to tell me it's just a stupid cat. I hope and pray that you never lose anyone who means something to you.

I have given up everything for you, my friends, my mind, my life, and my physical/mental health for what? Working for you was the biggest mistake I have ever made and now I’m stuck because I feel I have no where to go. I could be finishing my education BUT I CAN’T DO THAT IF I’M WORKING EVERY DAY NOW CAN I? I feel you have taken it all from me. My inner strength has lowered unbelievably and my stress levels have sky rocketed. I CRIED TODAY! BECAUSE IM SO EXHAUSTED! AND I WONDER EVERY DAY WHY THE HELL DO I STILL WORK FOR THIS? I just pray that someday, you will clue in when I tell you I'm getting exhausted, because, I don’t know how much longer I have before I snap. Take the time, and think, how much this job has taken from me, I have sacrificed myself. But I will smile the day I do quit, and it will be the happiest day of my life because I know I won’t have you breathing down my neck every second, of every minute, of every day. Right now I’m so angry. Anyway have a nice day and smile.


Your overly exhausted, stressed, senior accountant.

She didn't even want to see it. She wanted to focus on what I had done, all my negatives.