Originally Posted by Me BP?

Thank you for hearing me. I'm beginning to feel upset/anxious/scared/yucky/sad about going back on Monday. I suspect one of the things I'm supposed to learn in therapy is that I can have strong feelings and maybe disagree and that won't destroy me, won't destroy her, and won't destroy the relationship we've built.

I had trouble learning this too, it felt like if I was upset or mad I should be ready to axe the connection with the person I am mad and upset with, like an ALL or NOTHING feeling. I did learn in time through therapy that it is very possible to be angry with someone you love and still LOVE them even though you disagree with them. It was my mother I was angry with for stuff from my childhood, and when I stopped holding her accountable for the impossible to reconcile past, I stopped feeling so physically ill all the time when I'd obsess on it. And I found the obsessing slowly went away when I would tell myself, "It's okay to be mad at her, I still love her, people MAKE mistakes, no one is perfect including me."

But then again, what if I'm wrong? It is a lot to risk if I'm wrong. I'm afraid of making her mad. I'm afraid of annoying her. People get mad and then they take off and I can't take many more people turning their backs on me. People come, people go or leave this earth or take their own life. I’d give anything in the world right now to pick up the phone and talk to my mom or my brother but I can’t because they’re gone. I'm afraid she'll think I'm stupid for being upset and leave me too. But then she tells me I bottle up my strong feelings, pretending everything is ok, hoping the feelings will go away without talking about them and I'm damaging the relationship by not talking. I'm afraid she won't admit to being wrong. It is too hard to always be the wrong one.

I'm so sorry you can't pick up a phone and call your family who've passed on, I lost my father when I was 12 and my step father who became like a father to me just a few years ago. I understand loss and I understand losing 'friends' because they got mad and move on or I got mad with them and moved on myself. One thing about therapy, you're supposed to be able to let it OUT and not continue using bad coping skills you've learned just to be considerate to the therapist, THEY have the responsibility of trying to help TEACH us better coping skills and they SHOULD be able to take it when we have issues with how they are doing their job. You should be able to feel secure enough to tell her, "Look what happened the other day upset me because I felt like you weren't hearing me and wanted to go in a direction I felt wasn't constructive. I felt stupid and it upset me."

By saying it that way, the "I felt..." implies it's because of things she said and it might make it easier for her to apologize and make things right on Monday. The "I Felt" technique is something Mothe taught me and I try to remember to use it during conflicts with my DH and others, but it's not always that easy to do. So if you can try it and it helps you to resolve this horrible session the other day and resolve all the bad feelings it stirred up then I would feel posting about it was worth it.

I just want to help you after all and I am here because I need to be here, to get help and support just like you and the others, and to offer my support and experiences in the expectation that it will make you and others feel better. That's what forums like this are all about, and I am so grateful for them because I only get to see my T like once every two months, but that thirty minutes helps and I find I am more stable now then I was when I was seeing another T who moved out of state when I had more emotional baggage to cope with and would see her weekly.

This is what I was proud of. I wrote this out on my computer at lunch time. I never sent it but I just typed in frenzy pouring at my feelings like she told me to do.




Dear Boss,

How do I say this....

I’ve been working every day for the past 3 1/2 months 12-13 hours a day; doing all the things you say I shouldn't be doing because my billing rate is too high. But you make me do things the receptionist or secretary should be doing then ask me where my work is? DO I GET THE RECOGNITION THAT I DESERVE?! I HAVE PRETTY MUCH SOLD MY LIFE TO YOU SO I CAN PAY MY BILLS! I work to the bone, and when the time comes for my ONE DAY OFF, no not even a day off, just to leave at a normal time, you have to tell me I have to stay because you have a HOCKEY GAME TO GO TO! And you know that I've lost my best friend in the world and then to tell me it's just a stupid cat. I hope and pray that you never lose anyone who means something to you.

I have given up everything for you, my friends, my mind, my life, and my physical/mental health for what? Working for you was the biggest mistake I have ever made and now I’m stuck because I feel I have no where to go. I could be finishing my education BUT I CAN’T DO THAT IF I’M WORKING EVERY DAY NOW CAN I? I feel you have taken it all from me. My inner strength has lowered unbelievably and my stress levels have sky rocketed. I CRIED TODAY! BECAUSE IM SO EXHAUSTED! AND I WONDER EVERY DAY WHY THE HELL DO I STILL WORK FOR THIS? I just pray that someday, you will clue in when I tell you I'm getting exhausted, because, I don’t know how much longer I have before I snap. Take the time, and think, how much this job has taken from me, I have sacrificed myself. But I will smile the day I do quit, and it will be the happiest day of my life because I know I won’t have you breathing down my neck every second, of every minute, of every day. Right now I’m so angry. Anyway have a nice day and smile.


Your overly exhausted, stressed, senior accountant.

She didn't even want to see it. She wanted to focus on what I had done, all my negatives.