This made me smile a lot. I am like that regularly, wanting to be warm or helpful but not really well enough inside my skin to get it right the way I want.

I am not on meds and not going to. Not all that sure about the correctness of the diagnosis bipolar. Borderline, yes, I have had to admit to that

My mother hated me from the day I was born, but I am 50 now, the onset was at 40 because of the pills, and she can't deal in any even tiny way with being wrong about anything, ever, so she fully denies anything ever happened there. I have not pushed her about it, tried to let her know I forgive her but of course, there is nothing to forgive, I am the nutter here. I understand her life was complicated and post-natal depression was an unknown thing in those days, she would not have admitted anything anyhow because of her personality. It's okay with me, all I have to do is keep my distance and fake it and keep my eyes peeled around and about her to keep us safe. What she thinks don't worry me so much these days.