This might be triggering so you might not want to read this.












Barbara I have absolutely no one who listens to me because there is no one and yes I still need those coping mechanisms. Last summer when I totally lost it and was so suicidal I called relatives I have in Florida and they totally blew me off. But thanks to everyone in the SOS forum I had myself committed before I could do any harm. And if anyone reads here from that forum, I’m sorry that I haven’t posted there for a while. I felt a need to back off there for a while because it's so triggering but I do care. My flashback was of my brother when I found him hanging in the bathroom. I don’t know where that came from but I had this vision of his lifeless body just hanging there and it all came flooding back. Where that came from I don’t know but I need to go “there” and I’m afraid.

I’m scared to go back but don't know what else to do. I am extremely shy and find it difficult to talk and say things or even be able to put these horrible feelings and things into words. She is always asking me what I want out of therapy and maybe more importantly if I am willing to work with her. I'm having a hard time understanding what that means and can't give her an answer. Each time she asks I feel pressured by it and I need to prove something to her. I've been asking her what she wants me to do and basically from what I can understand from it is she wants me to talk to her? That's what I am trying to do. It isn't easy for me and when things start going around in my head a thousand miles an hour like they are now it makes it ten times worse. Initially when she asked me what I want out of therapy, deep down it is what do I want from her. I want her to be there for me and care about me. I want her to understand what I am going through. But I don't know if she truly can if she’s not listening. I don't see much point in a lot of things lately. But if I go back and see her on Monday I’m afraid it is going to turn out the same as before with her asking me this question and it’s like an ultimatum which I don't have the answer and I don't want to answer.