Well,I have many problems. I hope that I'm not going to wear the people out who are trying to help me. I'm waiting for a SSD hearing because I've been turned down two times.

I've contacted social services,and have seen them two times. I don't think that my case worker likes me. I can tell. They haven't contacted me since those first two meetings. I think that it's been a week in a half. I'm waiting for them now.


I have a phobia problem. It keeps me bogged down,and when I walk out the door I feel it,but if I stay inside to long,I get cabin fever. I live in a rural area near my sister, and brother-in-law because they have this old vacant house in which they have fixed up with a portion of my Trust Fund Money for me to live in. By the way,I lost a huge amount of it,a little over 40 Thousand dollars due to a lawyers mistake. He won't fix the problem,and only a few lawyers in different regions of the Country sue,other lawyers. My family elected to not take the lawyer ,who helped create the Trust Fund, to court. There was one lawyer willing to sue,but he was 150miles away,and my dad cannot travel,and my sister has MS.


I'm living out here because they tore down a Apartment complex in the Capital city of this State in which I've lived for years, that was affordable,and I moved out here.They tore down other affordable apartments in that area after 9/11. Now that my sister has gotten to know me again,she doesn't like my personality,interests,my illness,and the way I do things. She doesn't want me over there,and my aging dad want's to be left alone. There's nothing to do out here,and gas is getting way to high to afford. Whats left of my trust fund will run out before my SSD hearing. My sister said that she will not support me. She told me this about 3 weeks ago,and it freaked me out. I'm worried. I don't know what's going to happen. The economy looks unstable. I may loose my SSD case. I don't know. I'm worried. I'm worried about loosing everything that I have.


I can't work because my condition has gotten worse. I'm having chest pains from chronic anxiety that becomes very painful at times,and goes under my left ribs,and through my body to my back. I have pressure in my forehead. I have trouble sleeping from intense anxious thoughts,but not all the time. I have these serges of electric type sensations shoot through my body.I also have OCD,and I'm depressed. Any excitement about anything good has gone,and I don't feel it anymore. I started having panic attacks when I was around 13,or 14. I'm having these eery imaginations of many kinds. Most of these thoughts are thought's of rejection from family,and people in general. My condition seems to cause a alienation affect between other people,and I.


I don't know why,but it's probably due to me being nervous,and defensive when there is a misunderstanding. I've been harassed at work,and bullied when I was in school. I have some sort of learning disability that doesn't come from a lack of intelligence. It's undiagnosed because they didn't know things about learning disabilities when I was in school.


I use to try to drink these problems away,but it only made it worse. By the grace of God,I was able to stop drinking entirely back in 1981. I haven't had a alcoholic beverage since 1981,so It's been over 25 years. My Dad was a alcoholic,and he had a explosive temper that came out on me. I'm not angry at him because I know that he had many problems that he never got help with. His dad died 3 months before he was born. His brothers where mean. He grew up in the Depression,and then he went into world War Two. My sister has MS. So did my mother who died last year. My Grandmother,who was a real wonderful loving grandmother,on my mothers side of the family died of ALS in the mid-70's.


I don't know the people in this area,and they are different from the people who I'm use to. I don't know how to get close to people anymore really. I feel a little love from my cat. I feel love from some dogs. I love animals,and they love me. I have allot of allergies,so I only have one cat,and I have a number of air purifiers from when I use to be able to afford them.I feal anxiety most of the time to the point of physical pain. I think that my doctor isn't giving me enough medicine. I've had about 7,or 8 psychiatrists,and one psychologist. The Psychologist was one of the worst doctors that I ever went to. I think that he was just going on what he read in books. I heard him say,"How did that make you feel" allot,and things like that. He was just two green under the collar,and unhelpful,and expensive. To top that he wanted to see me two times a week,or not at all. I couldn't afford it two times a week. I don't know what they are teaching psychiatrists,and psychologists these days. Maybe I'm being to critical,but they don't help anymore. The medicine helps only a little.

I was punched in the stomach at a Pentecostal church,in a deliverence session. I left that church ,and went to a balanced church that didn't do that sort of thing. They where a loving church. Now I have moved,and I don't want to end up in another church like that Pentecostal Church. I haven't found the right church yet. I sometimes had a discomfort in church,because of the Pentecostal church experience. They punched me in the stomach very hard two times to help heal me. True Story. I cannot explain this sort of thing,but other churches don't do that. Be carefull where you go to church,and make sure that the Pastor doesn't want to much control over you. That's a red flag warning. Please go to church. What happened to me was wrong,and rare. Neighborhood churches are not like this,and they are helpfull. I cannot help but feeling that the people in that Pentecostal church where aggrivated at me because they couldn't help me. This made me feel terrible. Can you immagine this happening to you? I forgive them. The church split not long after this. I feel bad about that also. This is true,and I haven't talked about it very much. I don't want people to get the wrong idea about going to church. Church is a good place to go for help. I recieved help from a Associate Pastor in counciling,and prayer. I will never forget that Pastor. He really helped me,with the Lords help.

There are probably allot of good Pentecostal churches,and Non-Denominational churches out there. Every orginization,and their people sometimes make mistakes. I'm not trying to be disrespectful about any good,and true church out there,I'm just saying that a mistake was made with me. A big mistake. I forgive them. I hope that no one has taken this wrong. Allot of people don't want to hear about churches,and the things that I mentioned can be greatly misunderstood. Brokenfriend