It sounds like he loved you all so much that he just couldn't face you watching him die as your uncle did. He was trying to spare you pain, the long kind that lingers on forever it seems. But you must remember all the love he had for you. You said you have forgiven him which is good but now you need to forgive yourself. There was nothing you could have said or done to prevent this. I don't know when the pain will stop Nikkey. I've been told it just gets more bearable.