Oh Dear God help me. My Dad was 71 yrs old and passed last week. I was with him at home when he took his last breath. He fought until the end and didn't want to let go. He was diagnosed with lung cancer and doing fine and within the past two weeks, he declined so fast. He didn't want to go "home" and he was a fighter hanging on. I have not grieved or mourned yet. I am in the denial and shock stage still. After his last breath, I cried uncontrollably, because I sat there for 4 hours watching him struggle to hold on to *life*, even when we told him it was okay to let go.

We got through the Wake and Funeral and this week we started to do the Thank you notes for the flowers and Spiritual bouquets. Keeping ourselves busy(Mom and I). On autopilot sorta speaking.

Our phone rang yesterday, my Cousin, who was more like a Sister to Me, my Mom, was like a "Mom to her" as we grew up together, was found dead in her apartment at the age of 46 on Monday. OMG NO! We are waiting for the autopsy results to come back. They have to rule out foul play as well. She had been depressed and was under treatment for it, but at Dad's wake and funeral, Her, Mom and I made plans and she seemed so so happy and told me that we gave her something to look forward to. She wasn't physically ill, so part of me wonders, God forbid what she might have done.

She attempted a few times before and called for help at the right time. If thats the case, part of me feels so so angry inside at her if she did. Especially knowing what we were going through with my Dad just passing and he didn't want to go, he wanted to live, and to lose her too and a 95% chance by her own hand? I don't know. Is that wrong to feel that way?

Its all too much to handle at once for me, I can't grieve yet or mourn, I feel my Dad is still alive(denial) and now my Cousin. This is unbelievable, it can't be real or happening and why can't I cry now? Whats wrong with me, is it normal to be numb and not feel anything? My mind won't "go there" yet(that they are gone).

Lori