In the time frame of around 1976,and 1977,a Doctor,at another mental health facility,before my 1980,or 1981 stay at the other hospital that I've already talked about,gave me a powerful sleeping pill. It was so powerful that they don't allow it's use in the USA anymore,I don't think.


The Dr. said that he's seriously concerned about me. I had a hospital stay,for about two weeks. He put me on seconal,and then Tuinal,and then Methaqualone 300Mg.over a period of time. I was proscribed 2 Methaqualone 300Mg(Quaaludes)a night for two years.


I was also on Valium 10 Mg. Thats what they put me on in 1969,or 1970 until that time. I thought that those meds where helping me. I had euphoria with the Quaaludes before I slept. These things where way to powerful.All euphoria of any kind,and peace in my mind are gone. I also don't feel excitement in a good way anymore. I've noticed the stange absence of these feelings. I mainly feel a sort of torment,and sometimes disruptive painfull thoughts,but It's not intense all the time. Sometimes It gets very intense.

Sometimes I get the one thought after another. One thought blowes out of perportion,followed by another,and another,and another. Then it calms down after awhile. I cannot relieve it. Maybe some of these new medicines can help. This current psychiatrist that I'm seeing,I seen for about 20 years now. He doesn't try any new meds. Not in over 10 years.


I told the Dr, that I don't want to take them anymore. I flushed them down the toilet. The withdrawals started to hit me. The Dr. didn't prepare me for it. I got worse. I went to him,and I said please let me get off of them slowly. He nodded his head no.


I got in my car, and drove out into the country late at night. I thought that I was going to loose my mind. I drank bear,and Rum,to help the affects of these withdrawals.


My Dad said that they kicked this doctor out of the State. The hospital is no longer there. I was disrupted for about three years. Then a different doctor gave me Chloral Hydrate for a period of time starting in about 1982,to about 1984. I went from Valium, to Ativan,to Xanax.


I went to another doctor in about 1988 who reduced my Xanax to 0.25 MG. Does this sound right,with all of the problems that I have described for about 3 weeks. That was around the time that a pastor whom I mentioned, said I should not be taking medicines. So I had only a little problem taking 0.25 Mg of Xanax.


I was uptight all the time,and they didn't know how to help me at that church. That's why they hit me when they prayed for me,trying anything I guess. I wonder what the expression on my face looked like. It was about then that I stopped trusting people. I just don't think that they know what they are doing.


I have all of these bad problems,and they are decreasing my medication. In 1980,or 1981, when I had my second hospital stay, they took me off Xanax cold turkey and I had a seizer right there in the hospital. Then they put me back on Valium,and then Xanax.


I'm on Luvox 50 mg for the OCD part now.I'm depressed,nervous,angry,obsessional,troubled. I'm starting to imagine things noise wise. I didn't have OCD until after I went through several years of stumbling off the withdrawals off of that Methaqualone. I really feal injured by that withdrawal experience,and that church thing. The New doctor in the hospital was wrong by taking me off the Xanax,or Ativan cold turkey in my second hospital stay.


I still feel the shock from all of this. I've had anxiety get worse as a matter of fact as they have decreased my medicine in the late 80's. I wouldn't want those Methaqualones though. My doctor has put me on luvox(All generic now) for the OCD. I don't feel right. Somethings wrong,and I don't know what to do about it.


I believe the 0.25 Mg of Xanax generic is to low. I'm tired of all this. Now people,and my family do not want to be around me. Social Services hasn't called me in two weeks. I can't get help with SSD yet.


My sister just emailed me, and said your trust fund money will be depleted in 3,or 4 ,months. She said try to withdraw your 401K money. I have some 401K money but I cannot withdraw it now can I. I'm not of retirement age.


This has been painful,but if they thought it would be good to try to decrease my medicine,I believe that they are wrong. You all here what I'm saying. The doctor doesn't hear,my family doesn't hear,no one here's me but the people on this wedsite.


If my sister starts telling me that she's not going to support me at the end of my trust,I don't know what to do. My SSD hearing isn't until December,or later. It may not be until 2009. I'm starting to feel troubled about this again. This has not been a short term problem,It's been all of my life.


Social Security Disability doesn't seem to want to help me,now it Social Services,and my sister. It's like my time is running out. Could that powerful sleeping pill cold turkey experience,and the Tranquilizer cold turkey experience have hurt me. Why is this happening,and my sister is wanting me to not be around anymore.

I just feel one trauma,after another. I just never understand why this never ends. If I didn't wright this down correctly, it's because I just went through a great deal of pain. Now someone out there could twist what I've said into my problem. They could say it's drug abuse. I didn't abuse it,it was prescribed,I didn't know anything,and I told the doctor that i wanted to get off of it. Then He wouldn't give me anymore so I could ween myself off them.


Then I wanted to drive out in the dark into the country.I was just in allot of pain,on top of pain. Do people understand what I'm saying. I'm hurting ,and there is no way out of it. There is never a way out of it anymore. I stopped drinking in 1981.


The doctor has decreased my medicine over time. Over time I've been getting a little worse. It's real bad right now. It's 4:23 AM now as I just looked up at the clock. I'll look at the 6AM Star Trek to get my mind off this,then I'll try to sleep.


I hope that my sister doesn't give me one off those phone calls to scare me about the money again. I don't know why she's doing this. Does anyone understand why she's trying to scare me,and she knows its scaring me. Could she be obsessed?


Well it might end me. I feel strange about this.I'm sorry. Do they think that I'm putting this on? Do they think that It's all in my head? I think new discoveries are showing otherwise. It's not in my head,and I'm not making this up. There's nothing to look forward to.


I'm only in pain. I don't know why I'm talking about this. I guess my sister Is freaking me out. Could it be that they just want to dump me? Is that the way they feal about me. It would probably be a relief to them if I died. My sister had no emotion when my mother died.That was last year.She had her cremated. Mom didn't want to be. She hasn't even been buried yet. I think she's waiting for my dad to die,and she will bury them together.


They where glad when Mother died,and it was a relief to them. She was out of misery from MS. She died of cancer though. I just heard negative,and no concern,or love for her. I wish for her to be loved,and remembered. I just don't understand my family,and they don't want me around,or hear me talk about anything. They don't want to hear my opinions,or anything that I say.


I'm not that bad. The customers where I worked loved me. Just in the last year this negative influence from my sister has changed my view upon myself. I don't feel like I do anything good anymore. My work was liked by my employers at the last to jobs where I worked. My sister does not like my work suddenly. She doen't like my thought's,and ideas,and me now. Sometimes I don't understand ,or know my own family