What I mean by retreating is that when I hurt inside I close myself off from everyone and everything, it's my defense mechanism. I get my feelings hurt so easily and have huge anxiety problems.I don't know how to talk to people or say things for fear that I'll same something stupid. So in order not to get hurt by people I put up the wall and don't let anyone in.

My tdoc calls it disassociating. Sometimes I find myself staring at the computer screen but I'm not really taking it in. It's like being awake but sleep walking simultaneously (without the walking part of course!). She always tells me I may be functioning in the outside world but the real me went underground to some other place - just not there. She said she can tell it just by looking at my eyes. I know I do it when I drive. I drive someplace and don't remember one thing I saw or how I got there. Pretty scary. She said I have my own drug dispensing system. When I just stare there's a strong impulse to just keep staring. She said opiates are being released in the brain which makes me feel numb and masks my emotional pain.

But when dissociation becomes chronic like it has in me, it can feel unbearable. She said that's why I get strong urges to cut. It's a common way in which people who dissociate seek temporary relief.

I wish I knew how to control this because I feel like I'm on a different planet than the rest of the world. I know something is wrong but I can't put a finger on it. That's why I feel so invisible and powerless and my self-esteem has gone right out the window. She said my nervous system is "too full", strained to the limit. All these unresolved issues and traumas have overburdened my CNS.

So bottom line is it's numbing my body and my emotions so I don't feel anything. But she can't penetrate through it but it's all fake relaxation. She said this is her major stumbling block to progress in therapy because it diminishes my ability to be present. Without a clear picture of what's happening, she can't help me. I'm not sure if she can help me and maybe I'd better go shopping.

I'm worn out just writing this. My pdoc finally called and said it's sounds like I'm showing signs of lithium toxicity so just take it in the evening until I get blood work done. The sun is finally shining here, first time all week so I'm going to work in my sanctuary, my garden, then I promised Hooper I'd take her to the park.

But I did join a suicide support group at the local hospital. The first one is Tuesday evening and it's free. I'm hoping talking to others face-to-face about "it" will help me get some peace.