I'm sorry I've been writing so much. As soon as I leave I get in my car and write everything down on my Iphone that she said so I don't forget. No Bizi I don't have any friends to go with me. I wish I did but that's just the way it is. I'm a wreck thinking about talking about it and being new but I know I need help.

It's funny you mentioned about a massage Mari because I do have a 1 hr gift certificate from my boss. That's what we got after tax season, that and a day off. Bonus won't be until July though. I've tried to use it several times because he said take it on work time. But every time I do something has to be done. The last day I was there I almost lost it. I've been working on a review audit for these 3 consolidated companies. All the field work was done and I had to do checklists and the writeup. It was on my desk for about a day and a half but that didn't mean I was working on it. He said next time you come in I don't want to see it on your desk but on mine. I told him I'm not working on it all that time because I get so many interruptions and phone calls. I left and went into the stairwell to calm down. I must get about 25 phone calls a day with questions and QuickBooks help but he doesn't see that.

And I do listen to music constantly. I always have my Ipod in my pocket. It keeps the other "noise" out. And I write poetry, but usually that's when I'm manic or depressed, the words just flow out. I wrote this one last night:

I close my eyes
Pretending
I can see the light
Feel my way blindly
Through the dark
Shadows become real

I am bleeding
Inside
Every single moment
With every breath

Nobody hears
My cries
My pleas

Is this where I must end up?

I'm drowning,
Already lost
What was left of me

Please tell me
That it's just a dream
I want to live again

I'm the prisoner
Of my soul
Beyond hope
Beyond despair

I cower in my room
I can see
I can hear

but I cannot feel

... and so I weep

It was fun getting out in the dirt again. Now Hooper's nudging me to get her to the park